Books in a Nutshell

FUN QUESTIONS TO ASK IN ONE (LONG) EVENING OR....MORE QUESTIONS THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT

2012-10-25T21:08:00.002-06:00

Here are some fun questions to ask yourself and others in one (long) evening. They are more questions than you can shake a stick at but I guarantee that ALL of the layers of the proverbial onion will be peeled by the time you've reached the last question. The questions start pretty easy but they get more and more personal as you go along. If you think of any other questions that I should add to these lists, please leave a comment!

FOOD PREFERENCES

Favourite vegetable/meat/dessert/drink
Disliked foods/drinks
Allergies to specific foods
Buying organic produce is...
Buying frozen vegetables/meat is...
Coffee, tea, or something else
Wine (white/red) or beer
Salty or sweet snacks
Diets are...
Eat to live or live to eat?
Level of cooking skills
Using a recipe?
Watching cooking shows?
Do I like having lots of kitchen gadgets?
Electric or gas stove?
Barbequing lover?
Eating out, ordering in, or home cooked?
Preferred (types of) restaurants
Consider self to be a foodie?
Bringing lunch to work or eating out?
Typical meals/snacks I would have in a day
I usually have supper at ___ time
A special meal I would make for you...
A special meal that I would like to have made for me!

CLOTHING HABITS

Trendy, fashionable, conservative, comfortable…
Favourite colours for clothes? Colours you dislike?
Do I have “tons” of clothes?
Day-to-day “at home” clothes that I wear
Do I have lots of clothes that I no longer wear?
Do I have clothes made for another gender?
Fitted clothes or clothes that are loose
Wearing wool is...
Clothing size
Primary stores where I buy clothes
How often I buy clothes
How organized are my clothes?
Do I leave clothes on the floor?
How often I do the laundry
Do I hem/ repair my clothes myself?
Air dry or dryer for clothes?
Shoe size
How many pairs of shoes?
Type of bathing suit
Wear hats? Toques?
In winter, do I dress to stay warm or look “cool”?
Favourite jewellery...(if any)
Wearing shirts with messages or logos...
Clothes I dislike seeing on others
Through my clothes, I try to look (hip, young, fashionable, classic, ... just comfortable)

SLEEPING HABITS

Early bird or night owl
Typical bedtime and waking-up time
The side of the bed that I prefer
How many hours of sleep I need per night to feel well rested
How many hours of sleep I usually get per night
Lots of blankets
Cool room or warm room?
Dark room or lots of light?
How often I make the bed
How often I change the sheets
Snoring/sleep talking/sleep walking
Having a TV in the bedroom
Sleeping with pets on the bed (or in the room)
Sleeping attire
Reading in bed
Eating in bed
Napping during the day

PERSONAL CARE

How often I shower/bathe
Do I shower/bathe in the morning or at night?
Length of time I spend in the shower
How often I wash my hair/styling approach
Particular self-care routines/habits
How often I brush/floss my teeth
Vitamins etc. taken regularly...
Medication taken/currently taking
My current state of health...
When I’m are sick, the kind of patient I am...
Frequency of colds, flues, etc.
Flu shots
Operations/serious illnesses
How often I visit the doctor
Genetic diseases in my family...
What illnesses close family have/had
An embarrassing habit of mine is...
Farting and burping are...
Importance of my personal appearance...
Three physical features I’m least happy about.
Compared to most people my age, I look...
Wrinkles and age spots...
How often I visit the dentist
Spending money on teeth whitening is…
Would I ever consider getting Botox?
How often I floss/brush my teeth
How often I get a haircut...Where?
Laser treatments...
Sun tanning...
Dying hair...
High or low maintenance
Adults become overweight because...

HOUSEHOLD MANAGEMENT

Spartan decor or lots of stuff
Felix Unger clean or Oscar Madison messy
Always visitor-ready, or cleaned before they arrive
My most treasured possession is...
Decorating style
Urban, suburban or rural living?
Big house or small apartment?
Dogs or cats or something else?
How many pets are too many?
My policy on house guests is...
Would I rather be too cold or too hot?
To lower my impact on the environment, I...
Distribution of household work...
Chore I enjoy doing
Cleaning the toilet...
Use of chemicals...
Prefer indoor or outdoor work
Rifles or other weapons in the home?
Knives on display on the countertop?
Renovation do-it-yourself skills
Hiring a housekeeper...
Electronic gadgets are...
Favourite household gadgets?
Televisions in multiple rooms?
Music or radio on all the time?
Security system?
Memorabilia on display?
Family pictures
Chotskies and knickknacks?
Everything put away, everything out?
Hoarding...
Garage sales...
Storage lockers...
Noise level in the house...
Ecological footprint...
Xeriscaping or lawn
Vegetable or flower garden?
Do good fences make good neighbours?
Have I ever had a serious dispute with a neighbour?

DRIVING HABITS

Vehicle year, make and model
Need to have a new car or buy used cars?
How many cars I’ve owned
Vehicle I’d like to own
Is my car a status symbol for me?
I like to drive in the… slow lane...fast lane?
The number of speeding tickets I’ve received...
Other driving infractions
Prefer to drive or be a passenger
Cleanliness of interior/exterior of car?
What’s probably playing on the car radio?
Letting others drive my car
Drinking and driving
Texting/cell phone talking and driving

HOBBIES/FUN

Hobbies – as a child and now
Music – favourites/concerts/instruments played
TV shows/movies – watched/types preferred
Museums/art galleries – favourites/frequency
Card/board games – favourites/frequency
Sports watched – favourites/frequency
Sports played – favourites/frequency
Physical fitness activities – favourites/frequency
Volunteer activities – favourites/frequency
Social groups I belong to
Community/charity projects
Primary current leisure time activity (i.e., what fills my non-work time)
Military service
Travel – places visited/to visit/how often
Enjoy beaches? Casinos? Historical sites? Cultural exhibits? Physical challenges? Local food? Meeting the locals?
Do I have an up-to-date passport?

READING/WRITING HABITS

Sections of the Saturday newspaper I read first (if at all)
Magazines/journals
Fiction or nonfiction
I read ___ books a month.
The last book I read and enjoyed
Online reading/searching habits
Sites that I bookmarked as favourites
Chatting/Facebook activity
Online purchases
Number of email addresses
How often I check my e-mail
Blog writer?
Other leisure-time writing

TIME MANAGEMENT

I generally spend my weekends…
Plan things out or ... not?
I am the most relaxed when I am...
Vacation time taken per year
Early, on time, or late?
How many hours of TV watching/week?
Type A or relaxed?
Time is money and perishable…it must be used or it will be wasted.
Do one or many things at once
Adhere conscientiously to plans or change plans often and easily
Living in the present moment…
Like to spend time thinking of the past (school days, traditions, etc. )
Like to think aboutfuture possibilities…
Early, on time, or late?
When someone’s late…
Use lists and other time-saving gadgets
Degree of organization...

WORK

First job…
Worst job I ever had/could have…
Do I like my job? How closely does it match what I thought I’d be doing with my life? What has turned out better or worse than anticipated?
How many hours do I work in a given week?
What do I like/dislike the most about my job?
A big pet peeve at work is…
How my job could be improved...
If my boss made a wrong decision, I would...
My dream job...
Do I work to live or live to work?
Have I ever been fired?
Have I ever quit a job suddenly?
I plan to retire....
Do I dread retirement or want to delay it.
Working long days/hours...
Working during lunchtime/other meals...
Having overlapped work and leisure, by taking the family on a business trip
Can I work anywhere (even in the bathroom).
Getting work done on a plane...
Major achievements at work...
Achievement, power, or belonging?
Have I been bullied at work?
Work relationships?
My boss is...

PERSONALITY PREFERENCES

Three things that make me laugh.
Three things that make me awestruck.
If I make a mistake, do I admit it?
The last time I cried was…
Optimist or pessimist?
Would I ever consider living abroad? If so, where?
Decisive or flip-flopper?
Three of my best life skills are:
My friends describe me as:
Three compliments that I like to receive.
Three obstacles that prevent me from getting what I want.
Forest or the trees (big picture vs. details)?
If someone threw me a surprise party, I'd…
Is it better to give or receive?
Being alone is...
How competitive am I?
I learn by... (doing, watching, reading...)
On a daily basis, my anxiety level is….
Lots of friends or a few deep friendships?
Names of three good friends
How I met these friends...
Most of my friends are… younger....older?
Centre of attention at a party?
Practical or idea-oriented?
Make decisions with head or heart?
The most important sense is…
Have I ever thrown or hit something out of anger?
Have I ever hit anyone?
Have I ever been physically aggressive with an animal? Have I deliberately hurt an animal?
Have I ever been jealous of a partner’s relationship with a pet?
My favourite season is…
Open to new experiences or prefer familiar routines?
Easier for me to appreciate or see opportunities for improvement in something?
Adaptable or firm?
Easily hurt or thick skinned?
Listener or talker?
Opinionated or flexible?
Familiar situations or new adventures?
Am I creative?
Gentle or aggressive?
Average or above average level of intelligence?
If I got bad service at a restaurant, I would...
Dressing up for Halloween...
Taking dance lessons...
Talking/texting on a cell phone during meals is…
If I were a season, I'd be…
My self-esteem is: Bullet Proof, High on good days to medium on others, There are days where I feel worthless...
My favourite way to wind down after a stressful day is...
Am I willing to listen more than talk?
Is it easy for me to admit when I am mistaken?
Do I observe before acting on a situation?
Am I able to agree to disagree?
Do I enjoy asking questions?
Am I open to suggestions and new ideas?
Do I feel comfortable asking for advice or directions?
Do I seek out new perspectives on the questions of life?
Can I appreciate criticism without being deeply wounded?
Am I sensitive ...
Am I more of a giver or a taker?
Do I wait for people to come toward me...
Adventurous or homebody...

WISHES/GOALS

3 famous people I’d like to have dinner with...
3 million dollars in my pocket...
3 wishes...
3 things that I dream of doing/seeing/ travelling to etc.
3 other cities I’d like to live in...
3 things I am especially grateful for...
3 most influential people in my life...
3 accomplishments that I’m most proud of.
3 days left to live, I would...
3 people to bring with me on an island...
3 items to bring with me on an island...
3 important values....
3 things that give me a sense of fulfillment/ passion...
Another century that I should have been born in...
Real success to me means…
My motto in life is...
My philosophy of life...
If my life were made into a film, what would the genre be and what would it be about?
I am here on this planet to do...
My written personal goals are...
In 5 years’ time, my ideal life would be...
If I had a superpower, it would be…
What was my childhood dream? What is it now?
What I’d like to be famous for and why?
What Hall of Fame I should be inducted into and why?

OPINIONS

Heinz's wife was near death, and her only hope was a drug that a pharmacist was selling for $200,000 although it only cost him $20,000 to make. Heinz offered all he had to the pharmacist, which was $50,000. When his offer was rejected, Heinz said he would pay the rest later, but the pharmacist refused. In desperation, Heinz considered stealing the drug. Would it be wrong for him to do that? Why or why not?
Does someone need to have a college degree to be educated?
Which is more important, money or love?
Bill Clinton is…
1. Quebec...
Was the Iraq war justified?
Feng Shui is...
Organ donation?
Blood donation?
Animal protection?
Do I believe that the mainstream media has a liberal agenda?
X-ray scanners at airports are…
Big governments are...
I think conspicuous signs of wealth are...
Big houses are...
Would I attend or participate in a Gay Pride parade?
Expressions like thank you and please are...
Swearing is...
Dirty jokes are… Okay? Offensive?
Having dancers at bachelor/bachelorette parties is..
Social assistance is...
Strip clubs are…
Should prostitution be legalized?
Do I consider myself to be socialist, liberal, or conservative? What was the attitude in my family about political involvement and social action?
Do I belong to a political party? Am I actively involved?
Did I vote in the last election?
Would I ever run as a candidate if approached?

SPIRITUAL MATTERS

Do I believe in God?
My image of God is...
My religious affiliation is...
Is my religion a big part of my life?
When I was growing up, my family belonged to __ church. Our religious practice was…
Heaven and hell...
Karma...
Praying...
Atheists...
Would I ever go to a spiritual retreat?
Three important things about my spiritual beliefs.
Is it important to me to find or follow a particular spiritual path? If so, have I identified one?
What, if anything, I do in my everyday life to express or support my spiritual interests…
Do I consider myself a religious person? A spiritual person?
When and where (if at all) I have felt a connection to God/the divine/spirit…
Separation of church and state?
The most generous thing I've done for someone…

DRUGS, ALCOHOL, GAMBLING...

How often/much I drink
Preferred alcoholic drink
Smoking? Drugs?
Have I ever been addicted to anything?
Doing recreational drugs once in awhile is...
Hanging out at bars is…
Gambling is…
Have I ever been arrested?
Have I ever been involved in a legal action or lawsuit? If yes, what were the circumstances?
Have I ever been the victim of a violent crime? If yes, describe what happened.
Is it important to be rigorously honest when paying taxes?

FINANCIAL MATTERS

Lessons I learned from my family about money… Which were helpful and which were not?
Am I a spender or a saver?
What % of my $ do I save vs. spend?
Using coupons is...
Five star hotel or three star motel?
Have I ever been called cheap or frugal?
Shopping on Boxing Day is...
Gift cards are…
Am I organized with money?
Am I generous with money?
The last time I gave money to a homeless person...
Risky or conservative investments
Do I have a will? Power of attorney?
How much do I spend on gifts?
How many credit cards do I have?
Credit cards are…
My annual income is...
My assets/liabilities...
Do I have debt? If so, how much?
Have I ever been bankrupt?
My financial goals?
Financial plan for my retirement…
Establishing a family budget is…
I have wasted money on…
A costly hobby/habit…

CHILDHOOD/FAMILY

Where I was born/where I've lived...
Socioeconomic background of my family...
Three words to describe the home environment in which I was raised.
Parents’ relationship with each other...
What do I like and dislike about my parents’ marriage?
Growing up, my relationships with my (a) parents and (b) siblings were...
Greatest area of difficulty in interacting with each parent.
Was my family affectionate?
What do I like and dislike about my family?
As a child, I was most afraid of…
Three happy times in my life.
Three greatest losses/ traumatic events in my life.
My grades in school...
What I liked/disliked about school...
Three memories about school...
If I could travel back through time, the single mistake that I would correct in life is...
The dumbest thing I ever did (& why)...
Holidays or events we celebrated growing up? As an adult?
Three things about me that my family members are proud of.
Current family closeness...
Three relatives that I would likely avoid at a family reunion.
Three relatives that I’m close to...
How often I stay in touch with family...
What family member I have a special bond with and why?
An event that has changed my life for the better?

PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

My first kiss was...
My first crush was...
The number of times I’ve been in love...
How often I dated in high school...
What “kind of people” I’ve dated...
Was I usually the dumper or the dumpee in my past relationships?
Three longest relationships...
What is the longest relationship I have ever had prior to this one? Why did it end, and what lesson did I learn?
Have I ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship?
Am I friends with my exes?

HAVE I/WOULD I DATE...

... someone who is smart & ugly or dumb & cute?
....someone who is much smarter than me?
....someone who is much dumber than me?
... someone who bisexual?
... someone from a different ethnic background?
... a person of a nationality other than mine?
...someone with very different religious beliefs?
... an atheist? A religious person?
...someone in additions treatment?
...someone with an addiction?
...someone with a criminal record?
...someone with a mental health issue?
...someone who went bankrupt?
... someone 20 years my senior? My junior?
... someone who was HIV positive?
... someone with an STD?
... someone who is separated, but still technically married?
...someone who is physically disabled?
...someone who lives with their parents?
...someone who liked porn (movies, magazines, internet, etc.)?
...a heavy drinker?
...a hoarder?
...a cheapskate?
...someone who is obese? Overweight? Thin?

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

Three things that would really attract me to a partner (must-haves)...
Three things that would really turn me off from a partner (deal-breakers)...
What makes for successful relationships?
What destroys relationships?
How important is it that my partner has good relations with their family?
Do I avoid conflict or compromise or...
Do I blame my partner when things go poorly…
Am I willing to admit to my partner when I have hurt him/her and to ask for forgiveness…
Am I able to forgive my partner after he/she has hurt me...
What scares me the most about opening my heart to another person is...
Do I I listen attentively when my partner is speaking to me?
Which of the following is/are more important to me: (a) compliments and encouragement; (b) quality time and togetherness; (c) receiving gifts; (d) acts of service (things others do for us that help us feel loved); (e) physical touch.
Public displays of affection...
Do I look forward to at least one night out every week, or do I prefer to enjoy myself at home?
A fun Saturday evening that I would plan...
Three new activities that I would like to do with my partner.
Three things/initiatives that I’d like to see my partner try out.
What makes me feel valued and loved...
What makes me feel sexy...
What makes me feel respected...
What makes me feel close to a person...
What makes others look sexy...
What makes me respect others...

PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP

How I like to be touched...
How I don’t like to be touched...
Tickling...
The point in a relationship that I think it’s okay to have sex...
How often I expect sex…
The sexual activities I enjoy the most…
Specific sexual acts that make me uncomfortable…
My comfort level in initiating sex…
What I need in order to be in the mood for sex…
Have I ever been sexually abused/assaulted?
The attitude toward sex in my family (was it talked about; who taught me about sex, how did I learn about it)…
Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?
Have I ever a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex?
Has sexual dissatisfaction ever been a factor for me in the breakup of a relationship?

DISCLOSURE

Have I lied to my dentist about flossing?
If I had a serious health issue, when would I tell the person I’m dating?
Trust easily or trust must be earned?
Does “what happens in Vegas stay in Vegas?”
Does “what you don’t know won’t hurt you?”
When starting a new relationship, is it ok to date multiple people?
Have I ever Googled a potential date?
Have I ever looked through a cell phone, computer or snooped on a partner?
What constitutes cheating for me? Having drinks with someone who is attracted to me? Or with someone I’m attracted to?
Is sharing innermost thoughts and feelings with a member of the opposite sex cheating?
“Checking out” other women/men...
Using porn, going to strip clubs...
Is infidelity an automatic deal breaker?
Have I ever broken up a marriage?
Have I ever been unfaithful?

COUPLENESS

Do I get attached quickly or do I take my time?
How soon do I like to become exclusive?
How soon do I like to delete my internet dating site profile (if I have one)?
Do I consider myself to be the jealous type?
If my partner hung out with an ex...
Using the "silent treatment" in relationships...
How many disagreements do happy couples have?
Acknowledging error vs. withdrawl & revenge?
What makes me feel supported in a relationship?
How much personal space do I need? Do everything together? Independent? How much time would I like us to spend together?
How important is working together on projects?
How important is having stimulating exchanges of ideas?
How easy is it for me to be vulnerable with my partner?
How important is confiding in each other?
How important is my partner’s appearance to me?
Is my partner’s weight important to me? What would my reaction be if my partner were to gain a significant amount of weight?
Have I ever been engaged to be married but didn’t go through with the wedding?
Would I adopt my fiancé’s religion?
How long would I date before getting married?
Is it the man's job to propose?
Do I have trouble making commitments?
Living together before marriage is...
A good wedding budget is…
If I get married, I want… A small, intimate gathering? A huge party?
Should a man always wear his wedding band?
If my partner wanted to see a couple’s therapist, I would…
Couples taking separate vacations...
How are we different/similar?
Do I expect you to change?
Should finances of a married couple be combined or separated?
How should bills be divided?
Who should handle the finances?
Prenuptial agreements are...
Should it be easier to divorce?
Who is responsible for food shopping, meal preparation, and clean-up?
What place would the other's family play in our life? How often do we visit or socialize together? Will we invite out-of-town family to visit us for extended periods? How often?
What role should friends play in our lives?
Should we have all friends in common?
Is it important that we approve of each other’s friends?
If one person received a job offer elsewhere, would the other follow?
Would I want to keep the plans for my life separate from my partner's plans for life? OR Would I want to develop a strong sense of an identity as a couple with my partner?
Would my relationship with my partner come before or after my relationships with my friends, my career, my children, etc.?
Would I be willing to give something up for my partner or is it not worth the trouble?
How much social pressure and/or support do I feel from my family and friends to be in a relationship?
Are suitable partners widely available to me? Are there people of the opposite sex whom I might desire more than my partner if they expressed interest in me?

Measuring Your Equity Sensitivity

2012-10-11T01:36:00.003-06:00

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter5/self-assessment_5_3.html

Measuring Your Equity Sensitivity

The source of this scale is: K.S. Sauleya and A.G. Bedeian "Equity Sensitivity: Construction of a Measure and Examination of its Psychometric Properties," Journal of Management, 26 (September 2000), pp. 885-910.

Correcting feelings of inequity is one of the most powerful motivating forces in the workplace. But people react differently to equitable and inequitable situations based on their equity sensitivity. Equity sensitivity refers to a person's outcome/input preferences and reaction to various outcome/input ratios when compared to other people.

This self-assessment helps you to estimate your level of equity sensitivity. Read each statement in this instrument and indicate the degree to which you personally agree or disagree with that statement.

	I prefer to do as little as possible at work while getting as much as I can from my employer.
	I an most satisfied at work when I have to do as little as possible.
	When I am at my job, I think of ways to get out of work.
	If I could get away with it, I would try to work just a little bit slower than the boss expects.
	It is really satisfying to me when I can get something for nothing at work.
	It is the smart employee who gets as much as he/she can while giving as little as possible in return.
	Employees who are more concerned about what they can get from their employer rather than what they can give to their employer are the wisest. .
	When I have completed my task for the day, I help out other employees who have yet to complete their tasks.
	Even if I receive low wages and poor benefits from my employer, I would still try to do my best at my job.
	If I had to work hard all day at my job, I would probably quit..
	I feel obligated to do more than I am paid to do at work.
	At work, my greatest concern is whether or not I am doing the best job I can.
	A job which requires me to be busy during the day is better than a job which allows me a lot of loafing.
	At work, I feel uneasy when there is little work for me to do.
	I would become very dissatisfied with my job if I had little or no work to do.
	All other things being equal, it is better to have a job with a lot of duties and responsibilities than one with few duties and responsibilities.

Entitleds
16-37

Equity sensitives
38-58

Benevolents
59-80

The range of possible scores is from 16 to 80.

Understanding Your Score on the Equity Preference Questionnaire

The Equity Preference Questionnaire measures your equity sensitivity. Equity sensitivity refers to a person's outcome/input preferences and reaction to various outcome/input ratios. In other words, people react differently to situations where they receive proportionately more or less than others.
The Equity Preference Questionnaire ranges from 16 to 80. People who score between 16 and 37 are "entitleds"; those who score between 38 and 58 are "equity sensitives"; those with scores from 59 to 80 are "benevolents."

"Entitleds" (16-37 points on the scale) feel more comfortable receiving proportionately more than others. They might accept having the same outcome/input ratio as others, but would prefer receiving more than others performing the same work.

"Equity sensitives" (38-58 points on the scale) fit the standard equity theory model. They want their outcome/input ratio to be equal to the outcome/input ratio of the comparison other. As the ratios become different, equity sensitives feel an uncomfortable tension.

"Benevolents" (59-80 points on the scale) are tolerant of situations where they are underrewarded. They might still prefer equal outcome/input ratios to the comparison other, but don't mind if others receive more than they do for the same inputs.

Stress Coping Preference Scale

2012-10-11T01:33:00.005-06:00

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter4/self-assessment_4_8.html

Stress Coping Preference Scale

The source of this scale is: Based on information in: K. Lyne and D. Roger, "A Psychometric Re-assessment of the COPE Questionnaire," Personality and Individual Differences, 29 (2000), pp. 321-335; P. P Vitaliano, J. Russo, J. E. Carr, R. D. Maiuro, and J. Becker, "The Ways of Coping Checklist: Revision and Psychometric Properties," Multivariate Behavioral Research, 20 (1985), pp. 3-26.

People cope with difficult, stressful, or upsetting situations in a variety of ways. This self-assessment is designed to help you to estimate your preferred styles of coping.

Read each statement in this instrument and select the response that best indicates how much you tend to react in that way when faced with a difficult, stressful, or upsetting situation. This instrument has 16 statements.

Tried to figure out how to resolve the problem.

Acted as though nothing happened, hoping it would go away.

Sought the support and guidance of other people.

Got upset or angry with the people who caused the problem.

Changed something so the situation would improve.

Avoided the problem by sleeping, watching TV, or engaging in other diversionary activities more than usual.

Asked someone I respected for advice.

Tried to get back at those who created the trouble.

Came up with a couple of strategies to make the situation better.

Kept my concerns and emotions about the situation to myself.

Talked to friends or family about my circumstances.

Figured out who was responsible for what happened.

Doubled my effort to correct the situation and achieve my objective.

Put off dealing with the matter.

Got sympathy and understanding from someone.

Made sure that those responsible for the problem received their due punishment.

Understanding Your Scores on the Stress Coping Preference Scale

People cope in various ways with stress and various challenges in life. While the preferred coping strategy depends to some degree on the source of the stress, people also have a natural preference for some types of coping strategies more than others. Coping strategies also change over different stages of one's life.

The Stress Coping Preference Scale estimates your current preference to use four sets of coping strategies: problem solving, social support, avoidance, and blaming others. These do not represent the full set of ways that people cope with life's challenges, but they are common tactics. Moreover, they are identified as helpful or dysfunctional approaches to stress management.

Problem Solving

Low
0 to 6

Average
7 to 11

High
12 to 16

The range of possible scores is from 0 to 16.

Problem Solving

People with high scores on this subscale tend to deal with stress by actively attempting to remove the stressor by changing the situation. This coping strategy is associated with higher resilience and usually improves your ability to manage stress. Scores on this subscale range from 0 to 16. The average score in similar measures of coping is between 8 and 9.

Social Support

Low
0 to 5

Average
6 to 10

High
11 to 16

The range of possible scores is from 0 to 16.

Social Support

People with high scores on this subscale tend to deal with stress by actively seeking emotional support, information, or guidance from others. This coping strategy is part of the "tend and befriend" response that some research suggests is more common among women than among men. Generally, coping through social support has a beneficial effect and is identified as a favorable approach to stress management. Scores on this subscale range from 0 to 16. The average score in similar measures of coping is slightly less than 8.

Avoidance

Low
0 to 4

Average
5 to 9

High
10 to 16

The range of possible scores is from 0 to 16.

Avoidance

People with high scores on this subscale tend to deal with stress by cognitively and/or Behaviorally acting in ways that prevent the person from coming to terms with and resolving the source of stress. While avoidance may be effective when the problem is short-lived and beyond one's control, research concludes that this coping strategy is usually an ineffective approach to stress management. In fact, it significantly differentiates people with high and low resilience. Scores on this subscale range from 0 to 16. The average score in similar measures of coping is around 6.

Blame Others

Low
0 to 5

Average
6 to 10

High
11 to 16

The range of possible scores is from 0 to 16.

Blaming Others

People with high scores on this subscale tend to deal with stress by directing their energy to identify and seek justice against those perceived as the source of the stressor. This form of coping may include exhibiting emotions or engaging in Behaviors that get back at the alleged perpetrators. Blaming others is generally considered a maladaptive response to stress because it redirects energy away from productive approaches to deal with the stressor. Furthermore, this strategy can potentially alienate others, which reduces opportunities for social support. Scores on this subscale range from 0 to 16. The average score in similar measures of coping is around 7.

Perceived Stress Scale

2012-10-11T01:31:00.001-06:00

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter4/self-assessment_4_7.html

Perceived Stress Scale

The source of this scale is: S. Cohen, T. Kamarck, and R. Mermelstein, "A Global Measure of Perceived Stress," Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 24 (1983). Pp. 385-96.

This self-assessment is designed to help you to estimate your perceived general level of stress. The questions in this scale ask you about your feelings and thoughts during the last month. In each case, please indicate how often you felt or thought a certain way. You need to be honest with yourself to for a reasonable estimate of your general level of stress.

In the last month, how often have you been upset because of something that happened unexpectedly?

In the last month, how often have you felt that you were unable to control the important things in your life?

In the last month, how often have you felt nervous and "stressed"?

In the last month, how often have you dealt successfully with irritating life hassles?

In the last month, how often have you felt that you were effectively coping with important changes that were occurring in your life?

In the last month, how often have you felt confident about your ability to handle your personal problems?

In the last month, how often have you felt that things were going your way?

In the last month, how often have you found that you could not cope with all the things that you had to do?

In the last month, how often have you been able to control irritations in your life?

In the last month, how often have you felt that you were on top of things?

In the last month, how often have you been angered because of things that were outside of your control?

in the last month, how often have you found yourself thinking about things that you have to accomplish?

In the last month, how often have you been able to control the way you spend your time?

In the last month, how often have you felt difficulties were piling up so high that you could not overcome them?

Low
perceived stress
0-19

Moderate
perceived stress
20-39

High
perceived stress
40-56

The range of possible scores is from 0 to 56.

Understanding Your Score on the Perceived Stress Scale

The perceived stress scale estimates the extent to which recent events in your life are appraised as stressful. It taps into the degree to which you believe events in your life are currently unpredictable, uncontrollable, and overloading. The scale is not restricted to specific situations, so is appropriate for people in a variety of situations (e.g., students, executives, children).

Scores on the perceived stress scale range from 0 to 56. Higher scores indicate that you perceive your current life situation as stressful. Based on samples of over 1,000 people (mostly college students in the United States), the average score is around 24 for men and 25 for women.

Work Addiction Risk Test

2012-10-11T01:28:00.001-06:00

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter4/self-assessment_4_5.html

Work Addiction Risk Test

The source of this scale is: C. P. Flowers and B. Robinson, "A Structural And Discriminant Analysis of the Work Addiction Risk Test," Educational and Psychological Measurement, 62 (June 2002) pp. 517-526.

This self-assessment is designed to help you to identify the extent to which you are a workaholic. Read each statement in this instrument and indicate the extent to which each statement is true of your work habits. You need to be honest with yourself to for a reasonable estimate of your level of workaholism.

I get impatient when I have to wait for someone else or when something takes too long.

I seem to be in a hurry and racing against the clock.

I get irritated when I am interrupted while I am in the middle of something.

I stay busy and keep many irons in the fire.

I find myself doing two or three things at one time such as eating lunch and writing memos while talking on the phone.

I overly commit myself by biting off more than I can chew.

I feel guilty when I am not working on something.

Things do not seem to move fast enough or get done fast enough for me.

I lose my temper when things don't go my way or work out to suit me.

I ask the same question over again, without realizing it, after I've already been given the answer once.

I find myself continuing to work after my coworkers have called it quits.

I get angry when people don't meet my standards of perfection.

I get upset when I am in situations where I cannot be in control.

I put myself under pressure with self-imposed deadlines when I work.

It is hard for me to relax when I'm not working.

I spend more time working than on socializing with friends, on hobbies, or on leisure activities.

I dive into projects to get a head start before all phases have been finalized.

I get upset with myself for making even the smallest mistake.

I put more thought, time, and energy into my work than I do into my relationships with friends and loved ones.

I forget, ignore, or minimize birthdays, reunions, anniversaries, or holidays.

I make important decisions before I have all the facts and have a chance to think them through thoroughly.

Understanding Your Score on the Work Addiction Risk Test

The Work Addiction risk Test estimates your level of workaholism. Workaholics are highly involved in work, feel compelled or driven to work because of inner pressures, and have low in enjoyment at work. They exhibit compulsive behaviour and are preoccupied with work, often to the exclusion and detriment of the workaholic's health, intimate relationships, and participation in child rearing.

This scale estimates your overall workaholism score as well as scores on the three dimensions of workaholism: compulsive tendencies, need for control, and decision impairment. Scores on all scales range from 0 to 3.

Low compulsive
tendencies
0 to 1.0

Some compulsive
tendencies
1.1 to 2.0

Strong compulsive
tendencies
2.1 to 3.0

Compulsive tendencies

People with high scores on this subscale tend to push their work effort beyond reasonable expectations and impose excessive pressure on their work performance. Scores on this subscale range from 0 to 3.

Dispositional Mood Scale

2012-10-11T01:25:00.005-06:00

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter4/self-assessment_4_4.html

Dispositional Mood Scale

The source of this scale is: T. J. Huelsman, R. C. Nemanick Jr, and D. C. Munz, "Scales to measure four dimensions of dispositional mood: Positive energy, tiredness, negative activation, and relaxation," Educational and Psychological Measurement, 58 (October 1998), pp. 804-19.

Our emotions are influenced by both the situation and our own personality. This instrument estimates your dispositional mood, that is, the level of emotion that you naturally experience as part of your personality. It consists of 20 words representing various emotions that you might have experienced.

For each word presented, indicate the extent to which you have felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months. You need to be honest with yourself to receive a reasonable estimate of your dispositional mood.

Active
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Calm
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Aggravated
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Exhausted
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Energetic
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Peaceful
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Agitated
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Fatigued
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Lively
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Relaxed
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Hostile
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Tired
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Vigorous
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Serene
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Irritable
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Weary
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Tranquil
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Upset
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Worn out
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Uptight
To what extent have you felt this way generally across all situations over the past six months?
	Very slightly or not at all 1 2 3 4 5 Extremely

Understanding Your Scores on the Dispositional Mood Scale

This self-assessment is designed to help you estimate your dispositional mood, that is, your general emotional tendency based on your personality. The four dispositional mood categories created in this scale are positive energy, relaxation, negative arousal, and tiredness. These four categories are distinguished in two ways: (1) positive affectivity versus negative affectivity and (2) high activation and low activation. Thus, the four subscales are consistent with the affect circumplex model shown in the textbook. The only difference is that this scale measures your emotional personality rather than emotions in a specific setting.

Low
positive energy
1.0 to 2.3

Moderate
positive energy
2.4 to 3.7

High
positive energy
3.8 to 5.0

1.0

5.0

Positive energy
People who score high on positive energy have positive affectivity and high activation. Positive affectivity is the tendency to experience positive emotional states. It is very similar to extroversion, a personality trait depicting people who are outgoing, talkative, sociable, and assertive. Positive energy also includes high activation, meaning that people who score high on this scale experience more energizing or motivating positive emotions. Scores on this scale range from 1 to 5. From a sample of hospital employees, the average score was 3.0.

Low
relaxation
1.0 to 2.3

Moderate
relaxation
2.4 to 3.7

High
relaxation
3.8 to 5.0

1.0

5.0

Relaxation
People who score high on relaxation have positive affectivity and low activation. Positive affectivity is the tendency to experience positive emotional states. It is very similar to extroversion, a personality trait depicting people who are outgoing, talkative, sociable, and assertive. Relaxation also includes low activation, meaning that people who score high on this scale experience more passive (less energizing) positive emotions. Scores on this scale range from 1 to 5. From a sample of hospital employees, the average score was 2.6.

Low
negative arousal
1.0 to 2.3

Moderate
negative arousal
2.4 to 3.7

High
negative arousal
3.8 to 5.0

1.0

5.0

Negative arousal
People who score high on negative arousal have a tendency toward negative affectivity and high activation. Negative affectivity is the tendency to negative emotions. Negative arousal also includes high activation, meaning that people who score high on this scale experience negative emotions that demand our attention (e.g., anger, upset). People with negative arousal tend to be more distressed and unhappy because they focus on the negative aspects of life. Scores on this scale range from 1 to 5. From a sample of hospital employees, the average score was 2.1.

Low
tiredness
1.0 to 2.3

Moderate
tiredness
2.4 to 3.7

High
tiredness
3.8 to 5.0

1.0

5.0

Tiredness
People who score high on tiredness have a tendency toward negative affectivity and low activation. Negative affectivity is the tendency to negative emotions. Tiredness also includes low activation, meaning that people who score high on this scale experience more passive (less demanding) negative emotions. Scores on this scale range from 1 to 5. From a sample of hospital employees, the average score was 2.3.

Assessing Your Emotional Empathy

2012-10-11T01:20:00.004-06:00

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter3/self-assessment_3_5.html

Assessing Your Emotional Empathy

The source of this scale is: M. H. Davis, "A multidimensional approach to individual differences in empathy," JSAS Catalog of Selected Documents in Psychology, 10 (1980), p. 85.

Empathy refers to a person's understanding of and sensitivity to the feelings, thoughts, and situation of others. The "sensitivity" part of empathy is called emotional empathy. It refers to experiencing the feelings of the other person.

This self-assessment is designed to help you to estimate your propensity for emotional empathy. It includes 7 statements, and you are asked to indicate the degree to which each statement does or does not describe you very well. You need to be honest with yourself to for a reasonable estimate of your level of perspective taking.

When I see someone being taken advantage of, I feel kind of protective toward them.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

When I see someone being treated unfairly, I sometimes don't feel much pity for them.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

I often have tender, concerned feelings for people less fortunate than me.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

I would describe myself as a pretty soft-hearted person.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

Sometimes I don't feel very sorry for other people when they are having problems.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

Other people's misfortunes do not usually disturb me a great deal.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

I am often touched by the things that I see happen.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

Low
emotional empathy
7-15

Moderate
emotional empathy
16-25

High
emotional empathy
26-35

The range of possible scores is from 7 to 35.

Understanding Your Score on the Emotional Empathy Scale

This self-assessment is designed to help you to estimate your propensity for emotional empathy. Emotional empathy is an important part of the perceptual process because it makes us more aware of the external causes of another person's performance and Behavior. It also improves the communication process by helping us to put the words of other people in their proper context.

Your score represents your personal estimate of how sensitive you are to the feelings, thoughts, and situation of others. Scores on this scale range from 7 to 35. A higher score indicates a higher level of emotional empathy. The following graph shows the range of emotional empathy scores and where you score in comparison. The average score in recent studies across several Canadian and U.S. groups of people is approximately 23. Also, keep in mind that women tend to score about 2 points higher than men on this emotional empathy scale.

Assessing Your Perspective-Taking (Cognitive Empathy)

2012-10-11T01:19:00.000-06:00

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter3/self-assessment_3_4.html

Assessing Your Perspective-Taking (Cognitive Empathy)

The source of this scale is: M. H. Davis, "A multidimensional approach to individual differences in empathy," JSAS Catalog of Selected Documents in Psychology, 10 (1980), p. 85.

Empathy refers to a person's understanding of and sensitivity to the feelings, thoughts, and situation of others. The "understanding" part of empathy is called perspective taking or cognitive empathy. It represents an intellectual understanding of another person's situational and individual circumstances.
This self-assessment is designed to help you to estimate your propensity for perspective taking. It includes 7 statements, and you are asked to indicate the degree to which each statement does or does not describe you very well. You need to be honest with yourself to for a reasonable estimate of your level of perspective taking.

Before criticizing somebody, I try to imagine how I would feel if I were in his/her place.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

If I'm sure I'm right about something, I don't waste much time listening to other people's arguments.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

I sometimes try to understand my friends better by imagining how things look from their perspective.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

I believe that there are two sides to every question and try to look at them both.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

I sometimes find it difficult to see things from the other person's point of view.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

I try to look at everybody's side of a disagreement before I make a decision.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

When I'm upset at someone, I usually try to "put myself in his/her shoes" for a while.
	Does NOT describe me well 1 2 3 4 5 Describes me well

Low
perspective
taking
7-15

Moderate
perspective
taking
16-25

High
perspective
taking
26-35

The range of possible scores is from 7 to 35.

Understanding Your Score on the Perspective Taking Scale

This self-assessment is designed to help you to estimate your propensity for perspective taking. Perspective taking is an important part of the perceptual process because it makes us more aware of the external causes of another person's performance and Behavior. It also improves the communication process by helping us to put the words of other people in their proper context.

Your score represents your personal estimate of how well you can understand the feelings, thoughts, and situation of others. Scores on this scale range from 7 to 35. A higher score indicates a higher level of perspective taking (also called cognitive empathy). The following graph shows the range of perspective taking scores and where you score in comparison. The average score in recent studies across several Canadian and U.S. groups of people is approximately 20. Also, keep in mind that women tend to score about 1.5 points higher than men on this perspective taking scale.

Assessing Your Personal Need for Structure

2012-10-11T01:16:00.004-06:00

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter3/self-assessment_3_3.html

Assessing Your Personal Need for Structure

The source of this scale is: M. M. Thompson, M. E. Naccarato, and K. E. Parker, "Assessing Cognitive Need: The Development of the Personal Need for Structure and the Personal fear of Invalidity Scales," Paper presented at the Annual meeting of the Canadian Psychological Association, Halifax, Nova Scotia (1989).

Some people need to "make sense" of things around them more quickly or completely than do other people. This personal need for perceptual structure relates to selective attention as well as perceptual organization and interpretation. This self-assessment is designed to help you to estimate your personal need for perceptual structure.

Read each statement in this instrument and select the response that best indicates the degree to which you personally agree or disagree with that statement. This instrument has 12 statements.

It upsets me to go into a situation without knowing what I can expect from it.

I'm not bothered by things that interrupt my daily routine.

I enjoy being spontaneous.

I find that a well-ordered life with regular hours makes my life tedious.

I find that a consistent routine enables me to enjoy life more.

I enjoy having a clear and structured mode of life.

I like to have a place for everything and everything in its place.

I don't like situations that are uncertain.

I hate to change my plans at the last minute.

I hate to be with people who are unpredictable.

I enjoy the exhilaration of being in unpredictable situations.

I become uncomfortable when the rules in a situation are not clear.

Level of Need for Personal Structure

Low
12 to 26

Below average
27 to 37

Average
38 to 46

Above average
47 to 57

High
58 to 72

The range of possible scores is from 12 to 72.

Understanding Your Score on the Personal Need for Structure Scale

Some people need to "make sense" of things around them more quickly or completely than do other people. This personal need for perceptual structure relates to selective attention as well as perceptual organization and interpretation. For instance, people with a strong personal need for closure might form first impressions, fill in missing pieces, and rely on stereotyping more quickly than people who don't mind incomplete perceptual situations.

The Personal Need for Structure (PNS) Scale estimates the extent to which people are motivated to structure their world in a simple and unambiguous way. Scores range from 12 to 72 with higher scores indicating a high personal need for structure, that is, a higher need to quickly and unambiguously make sense of the world.

PNS norms vary from one group to the next. For instance, a study of Finnish nurses reported a mean PNS score of 34 whereas a study of 236 male and 303 female undergraduate psychology students in the United States had a mean score of 42. This graph shows your score on the PNS scale compared with results from the U.S. sample of undergraduate psychology students.

Identifying Your Locus of Control

2012-10-11T01:14:00.000-06:00

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter2/self_assessment_2_4.html

Identifying Your Locus of Control

The source of this scale is: Copyright Paul E. Spector, All rights reserved, 1988

The following statements concern your beliefs about jobs in general. They do not refer only to your present job. For each statement, select the response that best indicates the degree to which you agree or disagree with that statement.

	A job is what you make of it.
	On most jobs, people can pretty much accomplish whatever they set out to accomplish
	If you know what you want out of a job, you can find a job that gives it to you
	If employees are unhappy with a decision made by their boss, they should do something about it
	Getting the job you want is mostly a matter of luck
	Making money is primarily a matter of good fortune
	Most people are capable of doing their jobs well if they make the effort
	In order to get a really good job, you need to have family members or friends in high places
	Promotions are usually a matter of good fortune
	When it comes to landing a really good job, who you know is more important than what you know
	Promotions are given to employees who perform well on the job
	To make a lot of money you have to know the right people
	It takes a lot of luck to be an outstanding employee on most jobs
	People who perform their jobs well generally get rewarded
	Most employees have more influence on their supervisors than they think they do
	The main difference between people who make a lot of money and people who make a little money is luck

Internal locus
16-42

In-between locus
43-69

External locus
70-96

The range of possible scores is from 16 to 96.

Understanding Your Score on the Work Locus of Control Scale

The Work Locus of Control Scale is designed to assess control beliefs in the workplace. Individuals who feel that they are very much in charge of their own destiny in the workplace have an internal locus of control; those who think that events in their work life are due mainly to fate/luck or powerful others have an external locus of control.
Scores on the scale can range from 16 to 96. Higher scores indicate that you have a higher external work locus of control. Lower scores indicate more of an internal work locus of control. The average score for employees and students in Canada and the United States is 40.

Identifying Your Dominant Values

2012-10-11T01:11:00.000-06:00

FROM: http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter2/self-assessment_2_2.html

Identifying Your Dominant Values
The source of this scale is: Shalom H. Schwartz, The Hebrew University of Jerusalem.

In this questionnaire you are to ask yourself: "What values are important to ME as guiding principles in MY life, and what values are less important to me?" There are two lists of values in this self-assessment. These values come from different cultures. In the parentheses following each value is an explanation that may help you to understand its meaning.

Your task is to rate how important each value is for you as a guiding principle in your life. Use the rating scale below:

0 means the value is not at all important, it is not relevant as a guiding principle for you.
3 means the value is important.
6 means the value is very important.

The higher the number (0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6), the more important the value is as a guiding principle in YOUR life.

-1 is for rating any values opposed to the principles that guide you.
7 is for rating a value of supreme importance as a guiding principle in your life; ordinarily there are no more than two such values.

For each value, select the number (-1,0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7) that indicates the importance of that value for you, personally. Try to distinguish as much as possible between the values by using all the numbers. You will, of course, need to use numbers more than once.

Before you begin, read the values in List I, choose the one that is most important to you and rate its importance. Next, choose the value that is most opposed to your values and rate it -1. If there is no such value, choose the value least important to you and rate it 0 or 1, according to its importance. Then rate the rest of the values in List I.

Values List I

	EQUALITY (equal opportunity for all)
	INNER HARMONY (at peace with myself)
	SOCIAL POWER (control over others, dominance)
	PLEASURE (gratification of desires)
	FREEDOM (freedom of action and thought)
	A SPIRITUAL LIFE (emphasis on spiritual not material matters)
	SENSE OF BELONGING (feeling that others care about me)
	SOCIAL ORDER (stability of society)
	AN EXCITING LIFE (stimulating experiences)
	MEANING IN LIFE (a purpose in life)
	POLITENESS (courtesy, good manners)
	WEALTH (material possessions, money)
	NATIONAL SECURITY (protection of my nation from enemies)
	SELF RESPECT (belief in one's own worth)
	RECIPROCATION OF FAVORS (avoidance of indebtedness)
	CREATIVITY (uniqueness, imagination)
	A WORLD AT PEACE (free of war and conflict)
	RESPECT FOR TRADITION (preservation of time-honored customs)
	MATURE LOVE (deep emotional & spiritual intimacy)
	SELF-DISCIPLINE (self-restraint, resistance to temptation)
	PRIVACY (the right to have a private sphere)
	FAMILY SECURITY (safety for loved ones)
	SOCIAL RECOGNITION (respect, approval by others)
	UNITY WITH NATURE (fitting into nature)
	A VARIED LIFE (filled with challenge, novelty and change)
	WISDOM (a mature understanding of life)
	AUTHORITY (the right to lead or command)
	TRUE FRIENDSHIP (close, supportive friends)
	A WORLD OF BEAUTY (beauty of nature and the arts)
	SOCIAL JUSTICE (correcting injustice, care for the weak)

Values List II

Now rate how important each of the following values is for you as a guiding principle in YOUR life. These values are phrased as ways of acting that may be more or less important for you. Once again, try to distinguish as much as possible between the values by using all the numbers.Before you begin, read the values in List II, choose the one that is most important to you and rate its importance. Next, choose the value that is most opposed to your values, or--if there is no such value--choose the value least important to you, and rate it -1, 0, or 1, according to its importance. Then rate the rest of the values.

INDEPENDENT (self-reliant, self-sufficient)

MODERATE (avoiding extremes of feeling & action)

LOYAL (faithful to my friends, group)

AMBITIOUS (hard-working, aspiring)

BROADMINDED (tolerant of different ideas and beliefs)

HUMBLE (modest, self-effacing)

DARING (seeking adventure, risk)

PROTECTING THE ENVIRONMENT (preserving nature)

INFLUENTIAL (having an impact on people and events)

HONORING OF PARENTS AND ELDERS (showing respect)

CHOOSING OWN GOALS (selecting own purposes)

HEALTHY (not being sick physically or mentally)

CAPABLE (competent, effective, efficient)

ACCEPTING MY PORTION IN LIFE (submitting to life's circumstances)

HONEST (genuine, sincere)

PRESERVING MY PUBLIC IMAGE (protecting my "face")

OBEDIENT (dutiful, meeting obligations)

INTELLIGENT (logical, thinking)

HELPFUL (working for the welfare of others)

ENJOYING LIFE (enjoying food, sex, leisure, etc.)

DEVOUT (holding to religious faith & belief)

RESPONSIBLE (dependable, reliable)

CURIOUS (interested in everything, exploring)

FORGIVING (willing to pardon others)

SUCCESSFUL (achieving goals)

CLEAN (neat, tidy)

SELF-INDULGENT (doing pleasant things)

Understanding Your Score on the Schwartz's Values Scale

Values are stable, evaluative beliefs that guide our preferences for outcomes or courses of action in a variety of situations. They are perceptions about what is good or bad, right or wrong. Values influence our choice of goals and the means for achieving those goals. We arrange our personal values into a hierarchy of preferences, called a value system. Each person's unique value system tends to be stable and long lasting because it was developed and reinforced through socialization from parents, religious institutions, friends, personal experiences, and the society in which we live.

This instrument estimates your preferences for a broad range of personal values. These values are grouped into 10 broad domains of values. Scores on each domain potentially range from -1 to +7. However, you are unlikely to have such an extreme score on any domain because the self-assessment asked you to use the extreme responses sparingly. Instead, the results shown here give you an estimate of your value system. They indicate your relative preference across the broad range of values.

Low Importance
-1 to +1

Medium importance
+2 to +4

High importance
+5 to +7

-1

POWER: Social status and prestige, control or dominance over people and resources

Low Importance
-1 to +1

Medium importance
+2 to +4

High importance
+5 to +7

-1

ACHIEVEMENT: Personal success through demonstrating competence according to social standards

Low Importance
-1 to +1

Medium importance
+2 to +4

High importance
+5 to +7

-1

HEDONISM: Pleasure or sensuous gratification for oneself

Low Importance
-1 to +1

Medium importance
+2 to +4

High importance
+5 to +7

-1

STIMULATION: Excitement, novelty, and challenge in life

Low Importance
-1 to +1

Medium importance
+2 to +4

High importance
+5 to +7

-1

SELF-DIRECTION: Independent thought and action — choosing, creating, exploring

Low Importance
-1 to +1

Medium importance
+2 to +4

High importance
+5 to +7

-1

UNIVERSALISM: Understanding, appreciation, tolerance, and protection for the welfare of all people and for

Low Importance
-1 to +1

Medium importance
+2 to +4

High importance
+5 to +7

-1

BENEVOLENCE: Preservation and enhancement of the welfare of people with whom one is in frequent personal contact

Low Importance
-1 to +1

Medium importance
+2 to +4

High importance
+5 to +7

-1

TRADITION: Respect, commitment, and acceptance of the customs and ideas that traditional culture or religion provide

Low Importance
-1 to +1

Medium importance
+2 to +4

High importance
+5 to +7

-1

CONFORMITY: Restraint of actions, inclinations, and impulses likely to upset or harm others and violate social expectations or norms

Low Importance
-1 to +1

Medium importance
+2 to +4

High importance
+5 to +7

-1

SECURITY: Safety, harmony, and stability of society, of relationships, and of self

Individualism-Collectivism Values

2012-10-11T01:10:00.007-06:00

FROM: http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0073381225/student_view0/chapter2/self-assessment_2_3.html

Individualism-Collectivism Scale

The source of this scale is: T. M. Singelis, H. C. Triandis, D. P.S. Bhawuk, and M. J. Gelfand, "Horizontal and Vertical Dimensions of Individualism and Collectivism: A Theoretical and Measurement Refinement," Cross-Cultural Research 29 (August 1995), pp. 240-75.

Cross-cultural values have become an important part of organizational life due to globalization and an increasingly multicultural workforce. Organizational behaviour researchers have studied several cross-cultural values, but none has had as much attention as the two measured in this self-assessment: individualism and collectivism.
Read each of the statements in this instrument and select the response that you believe best indicates how well these statements describe you.

I often do "my own thing"

The well-being of my coworkers is important to me.

One should live one's life independently of others.

If a coworker gets a prize, I would feel proud.

I like my privacy.

If a relative were in financial difficulty, I would help within my means.

I prefer to be direct and forthright when discussing with people.

It is important to maintain harmony within my group..

I am a unique individual.

I like sharing little things with my neighbors.

What happens to me is my own doing.

I feel good when I cooperate with others.

When I succeed, it is usually because of my abilities.

My happiness depends very much on the happiness of those around me.

I enjoy being unique and different from others in many ways.

To me, pleasure is spending time with others.

Understanding Your Score on the Individualism-Collectivism Scale

This self-assessment estimates your level of individualism and collectivism. At one time, experts thought that these two cross-cross-cultural values were opposites. Now, we understand that they represent separate values that are generally unrelated to each other. Each scale has a potential score ranging from 8 to 40 points. Higher scores indicate that the person has a higher level of each cross-cultural value.

Low
individualism
8-22

Moderate
individualism
23-30

High
individualism
31-40

The range of possible scores is from 8 to 40.

Individualism
Individualism refers to the extent that you value independence and personal uniqueness. Highly individualist people value personal freedom, self-sufficiency, control over their own lives, and appreciation of their unique qualities that distinguish them from others. The following graph shows the range of individualism in general. However, keep in mind that the average level of individualism is higher in some cultures (such as Canada) than in others.

Low
collectivism
8-22

Moderate
collectivism
23-30

High
collectivism
31-40

The range of possible scores is from 8 to 40.

Collectivism
Collectivism refers to the extent that we value our duty to groups to which we belong, and to group harmony. Highly collectivist people define themselves by their group membership and value harmonious relationships within those groups. The following graph shows the range of collectivism in general. However, keep in mind that the average level of collectivism is lower in some cultures (such as Canada) than in others.

Condo Transformation

2012-10-08T00:57:00.000-06:00

Although I was satisfied with the transformations of my (previous) house and apartment, both of which are posted on this blog, I am most happy with the condo transformation that you'll see here. I think that my style has changed over time, having been influenced by Candice Olson and Sarah Richardson's design shows, lots of decorating books and magazines, and Jacqueline Nuesch's ReDesign workshops.

[As an aside, I thought I knew quite a bit when I started Jacqueline's program, so much so that I thought it would all be a review for me. But, I learned a great deal, and it was worth every penny. I recommend it to everyone.]

KITCHEN

This was the first priority of the renovation. Within an hour of having received the keys for the condo, my brother and father were busy tearing down the wall that closed in the kitchen from the living room. This also meant relocating the bathroom from where the peninsula is to the space behind the picture above (which was a closet). I didn't want a galley kitchen, and the 70s cabinets had to go. No matter how nicely you paint 70s cabinets, they still look like 70s cabinets.

A friend of mine told me that I couldn't go wrong with white or off-white shaker style cabinets, so that's what I looked for as I went to IKEA, Home Depot, and Rona. None could deliver a truly customized look that would fit perfectly in the space. Family member were very happy with their cabinets from Superior Cabinets, and they highly recommended them.

So, I worked with a young and talented (and patient) designer, Tansley Struthers, at Superior Cabinets who came up with a terrific design that made maximum use of the space and that followed the flow of traffic in the kitchen. Having open shelving on the one wall made the kitchen feel that much bigger. To think that I wanted a pantry on that wall! The addition of a shallow cabinets to the right of the fridge makes a perfect pantry, and you would never know that they are only 6" deep (due to the 24 x 24" corner structure). The Cambria quartz countertops from Floform were a great match to the contemporary retro design of the place:

Here are some before and after pictures.

BEFORE PICTURES: ENTRANCE TO THE KITCHEN

AFTER PICTURE: ENTRANCE TO THE KITCHEN

(A pantry to the right - where the clock is in the picture below - was removed,
and the closet to the left - facing the clock - was transformed into a bathroom.)

BEFORE PICTURES: VIEW OF THE KITCHEN FROM THE LIVING ROOM

AFTER PICTURES: VIEW OF THE KITCHEN FROM THE LIVING ROOM

LIVING ROOM AND DINING ROOM

I still like aqua as a wall colour, but I was finding more and more pictures of beautiful rooms with grey walls in decorating magazines such as this one...

And this one from Candice Olson...

From Candice and Sarah, I learned that it's best to have a neutral envelope for a place (walls, floors, cabinets, etc.) and to add colour through non-permanent, more easily changeable things. Candice especially emphasizes the need for a place to sparkle; i.e., have lots of different types of lighting. Sarah always seems to be gungho about patterns and florals and she takes her inspiration for colours for walls etc. from fabrics (since wall colour can be matched to the fabric colour quite easily). I didn't mind florals, but I didn't think that they would go with my Kenneth Wingard sculpture from Ludovic , whose home was above my fireplace mantle.

As you can see, it just doesn't go with florals. But, when I did hang it over the mantle, Jacqueline commented that the whole look of that area was rather dark, and that I might consider having something brighter in that area, especially since it's the first thing you see when you walk into the condo. I agreed. There were lots of changes that she recommended that were spot on. I also had purchased a red chaise and placed it in the living room, but, no matter where I positioned it, it didn't work. Also, I was attracted to the following picture that I found at csn.com. I thought that the red and aqua blue were a great combination. I had already bought the arc lamp at Ludovic.

I ordered a poster of Van Gogh's almond blossoms from allposters.ca and had Costco plaque laminate it (in two pieces due to size restrictions) for an incredibly reasonable price. But, having brought it home, once my red chaise was placed in a different room, the almond blossom painting no longer fit in the living room. But it did fit in my bathroom, and it's a joy to look at. Van Gogh embedded all sorts of things in his almond blossoms.

Jacqueline suggested that I move my wheat coloured sectional to the living room, but I wasn't sure about this. It looks sort of like this without the chaise and footstools.

I was concerned that the wheat colour wouldn't go with grey walls, but then, on a drive through the prairies, I could see that, indeed wheat fields and grey skies were natural partners. It was a prototypical prairie scene! In fact it was my desktop background on my laptop.

It was mainly a question of having the two colours speak to each other as you see in this picture:

Lo and behold, I happened upon a terrific pillow at Home Sense that had both colours and, following Jacqueline's advice about curtain length and adding a second colour to a curtain (it must be at least 18" in length in order for it to be substantial enough), I added the same wheat colour to my off-the-rack grey satin curtains from Bouclair.

THE "BEFORE" PICTURES:

THE "AFTER" PICTURES

I have yet to correct a few decorating errors that I've made (that I learned about in Jacqueline's program). First, although I was careful to ensure that the mirror over the mantle reflected something nice when you look straight at it, it is much bigger than the fireplace enclosure itself. So I will need to paint the fireplace enclosure in a dark grey to balance things out. Also, the outline of my picture grouping should form a square or rectangle, and mine clearly doesn't. I need to reorganize these pictures. Finally, the light fixture above the dining room table is too high. The distance between the table and the light fixture should be from 34 to 38 inches depending on the size of the light fixture. If the light fixture is a third of the size of the table or smaller (i.e., rather small), it should be closer to the table so that they read as one.

BATHROOM

I decided to have aqua coloured walls for the bathroom. It was a 70s bathroom as you'll see in this before picture.

I gave away the entire contents of the bathroom for free via kijij, then had Bathfitter come in and install a new soaker tub and bath surround. Then, I was inspired by Sarah who liked to have bathroom tile installed in a carpet pattern like the one below:

I found exactly what I wanted (tiles that looked like a prairie landscape) at CQ Flooring, and they installed it for me. With fixtures from Home Hardware, here are the after pictures:

The Van Gogh poster is behind the door. In addition to these rooms, all the remaining rooms in the condo - the bedrooms, the basement, and the laundry room - have also been transformed. In a period of 6 months or so, it is possible to completely re-do a 1500 square feet condo -with the help of family and contractors....and a good deal of patience!

100 THINGS TO DO BEFORE LEAVING HOME FOR A LONG TIME

2012-09-21T00:21:00.002-06:00

Picture adapted from: http://www.facebook.com/funnypicturesplus

SOMEONE IN YOUR ABSENCE

1. Ensure that someone has a spare key to your place.

2. Arrange for someone to water your plants (put them all in a one location to facilitate the watering process; have a watering jug handy).

3. Arrange for someone to pick up anything that lands in your mailbox (mail, stray flyers, etc.).

4. Give them your contact information in case of an emergency. If you’re travelling to various places, include your itinerary, your hotel name and phone numbers, and anything pertinent about your travel plans. You may even consider leaving them an envelope labelled “IN CASE OF EMERGENCY” and containing a copy of your passport, birth certificate, health card, credit card numbers and cancellation phone numbers, names/phone numbers of who to call if there’s a problem with your residence, etc.)

ENSURE THAT YOUR PROPERTY IS SECURE

5. Let a trusted neighbour know that you’re going away and who you’ve left to care for your residence.

6. Let your security/alarm company know that you’re leaving and make any necessary arrangements with them.

7. If necessary, arrange for someone to water/mow the lawn and remove snow.

8. Set any automatic timers – lights, radios, etc. (Set your radio to a talk show so that it sounds like people are talking in your home.)

9. Store valuables in a secure place (lock box located in a locked cabinet located in a locked room)

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

10. Visit the doctor (annual checkups) and any health professionals (dentists).

11. Get blood tests, and ensure that you have any prescriptions that you need.

12. Double check your health insurance to ensure that you have sufficient coverage.

13. See if you can temporarily ‘suspend’ your gym memberships so that you’re not paying for months that you’re not around.

14. Contact your credit card company, and let them know that you’re travelling, and that there may be credit card charges for hotel rooms etc. in a certain locale.

15. Go for coffee with all of your friends.

16. Have a ‘farewell’ dinner with your family.

17. Ensure that you don’t have any obligations (volunteering etc.) scheduled during your absence.

18. Pick up any dry cleaning or outstanding orders.

19. If you do order something (e.g., a book) that is due to arrive while you’re gone, ask a friend if you could have it delivered to their place.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR CANINE COMPANIONS

20. Arrange for care for your dogs while you’re gone (if appropriate).

21. Alternatively, ensure that you’ve booked space for your dogs’ kennel on the airplane.

22. Buy regular Gravol (bring it and chicken balls to oversized luggage counter, embed 25 mg of Gravol in a chicken ball, and give it to your dog to eat).

23. Visit the vet to ensure that you dogs are travel-worthy and to renew any prescriptions.

24. Visit the groomer to ensure that your dogs have all their ‘maintenance work’ done (anal gland expression, nails trimmed, ears cleaned, hair cut, etc.).

25. Ensure that your dogs’ licenses won’t expire during the trip.

26. Consider their food requirements: ensure that you have enough food for them, the day before leaving, upon arrival, and the day after arriving.

27. Have a talk with them about the impending trip. Watch their heads tilt in understanding.

28. Bring their identification and evidence that their shots (rabies etc.) are up-to-date.

TAKE CARE OF THE OUTSIDE

29. Water exterior plants.

30. Turn off exterior water.

31. Bring in/put away all deck furniture and exterior things that are easily stolen.

32. Lock all windows and doors.

33. Don’t leave any spare keys outside (hidden or not).

34. Remove any standing water (kiddie pools, bird baths, etc.) from the yard.

YOUR CAR

35. If you’re traveling by car, be sure that it’s in fine working condition (oil, tires, etc.).

36. Clean your car.

37. Remove anything in your car that is perishable or that might attract robbers.

38. If you’re leaving your car behind, don’t park it on the street (since there may be local bylaws prohibiting parking in the same spot for over 48 hours). Alternatively, ask a friend to move your car every 48 hours.

39. Give a copy of your car key to a friend in case it does need to be moved.

40. Consider bringing your car over to a friend’s place if they have better parking facilities.

CLEAN UP

41. Clean the place (you don’t want to come home to a messy place).

42. Do the dishes.

43. Flush and clean the toilets.

44. Wash all dirty clothes (you don’t want them waiting for you when you get back).

45. Wash your sheets and make your bed, if possible, so that you have a clean bed to come home to.

46. Gradually eat all the food that is in your fridge and freezer.

47. If decide to turn the refrigerator off while you are gone, leave the doors open for circulation.

48. If you are leaving it on and have food inside the freezer, place a Popsicle in a place where it will fall if it melts. This will tell you whether or not there was a power outage and the food might be spoiled.

49. Check the rest of your food; if it may expire while you’re gone, donate it.

50. Hold a “let’s eat what’s left in my fridge” party.

51. If there is food left by this point, place them in plastic bags or containers with tightly sealed lids to keep bugs and moisture out.

52. Throw out all garbage, recycling etc.

53. Bring old clothing etc. to the Salvation Army

54. Organize your closets. (I know this may seem extreme, but it’s good to come home to a clean closet.)

REDUCE YOUR ENERGY USE IN YOUR ABSENCE

55. Unplug as many electrical things as possible (even if they are in their “off” position, they are still using some power if they are plugged in).

56. Adjust the thermostat settings.

57. Shut off the water line to the washing machine.

58. Turn off the pilot light for your gas fireplace.

59. Ensure that all lights are turned off.

REDUCE PAPER COMING TO YOUR PLACE

60. Place a “No flyers and no newspapers, please” sign on your mailbox.

61. Try to get all bills in electronic form so that you’re not being sent any time sensitive paper mail.

62. Stop deliveries of newspapers (some people say that it’s better to have your newspapers picked up by a neighbour. I say why not simply read the paper online and avoid this question altogether?

63. Have your mail forwarded to your new address (if you’re staying at one place for a long time).

DEAL WITH ALL YOUR PAPERWORK

64. Ensure that any payments that are potentially due while you’re gone are handled, for example:

a. Property insurance

b. Car insurance

c. Driver’s license

d. City taxes

e. Utilities

65. Ensure that you have an up-to-date passport (if needed).

66. Clean up any “paperwork,” bills, things to be done, filed, organized, etc.

67. Meet with your RSP representative, so that he/she isn’t calling while you’re gone.

68. Remove any unneeded cards (including credit cards) from your wallet.

69. Depending on how long you’ll be gone and the risks involved on your trip, you may want to ensure that your will is up-to-date.

70. Also, ensure that your power-of-attorney documents are up-to-date.

71. Basically, ensure that you have no unfinished business, that you’ve cleared the metaphorical plate, and that you’ve tied up all loose ends... so that you aren’t thinking about this stuff while you’re gone.

GET YOUR ELECTRONIC ACT TOGETHER

72. Back up your hard drive.

73. Update Windows and any other program on your computer.

74. Ensure that you have Microsoft Security Essentials and CCleaner loaded onto your computer and that they are used frequently.

75. Organize your desktop using Fences.

76. Organize your folders.

77. Ensure that your address list (names and phone numbers of contacts) is readily available.

78. Clear your e-mail inboxes.

79. Ensure that you have a web-based e-mail account.

80. I’m of two minds about using “I’m unavailable” return e-mail message settings. You don’t want to advertise your absence. It’s probably best to directly inform your boss, family, and friends of your absence, and not advertise it more generally.

81. I think that #22 also applies to your phone answering machine message. Just turn off the answering machine, and let people you know that you’ll be gone.

82. Ensure that your camera works + clean out its memory card.

83. Replace back-up batteries in smoke detectors, thermostats, security systems, etc.

PREPARE FOR COMMUNICATIONS FROM YOUR DESTINATION

84. Get your cell phone working, and ensure that it will work at your destination.

85. Bring a phone card with you.

86. Ensure that you have your keys, paperwork, and ID.

87. Tell a family member/friend that you will contact them when you arrive at your destination.

PACK WITH YOU (CARRY ON LUGGAGE)

88. Prescriptions

89. Spare glasses

90. Ear plugs

91. Ear buds

92. Copy of your itinerary

93. Copy of your passport

94. Copy of your credit card numbers, etc.

95. Vitamins, painkillers, etc.

96. A good book!

97. Your dogs’ id. & health information

98. Camera and related cords as well as spare batteries.

99. Enough cash to take a taxi upon arrival at your destination.

100. A sense of humour.

100 dates in Saskatoon

2012-09-19T01:38:00.001-06:00

(Picture taken from: http://twitter.com/100dates)

100 dates in Saskatoon

Looking for things to do in Saskatoon? Here are a few ideas! If you’re stuck in a rut and have very few ideas about what to do on a date in Saskatoon, this should help you.

If you find that most of your dates are a variation of the following: going out for dinner, going to see a movie, hanging around the house, and watching TV, then you are indeed suffering from the “effortless” dating syndrome. Think about what this says about you: it might say that you’re not really interested in each other if you lack the energy and initiative needed to plan creative dates. Besides, you won’t be learning much about each other if you do the same things over and over again.

To really get to know someone, you need to experience them and both of you in a variety of settings. Some of these may not be your cup of tea, but you never know what you might like or not until you try it.

Note: Although this is written for dating in a specific community, it could be adapted to dating in other places as well. Just replace Lakewood Park with any park in your neighbourhood, for example. Also, with a few exceptions, these are things that a person could likely do on their own or with a friend or family member.

Outdoors – let’s get physical!

1. Long walk along the river landing riverfront.

2. Long walk along the river in the Meewasin Valley.

3. Long walk around downtown.

4. Long walk from the west side to the east sideof the city.

5. Have someone drop you off 10 km from your place, walk to your place, then watch The Way.

6. Do some hiking at Cranberry Flats.

7. Go cycling.

8. Go skating.

9. Place tennis together.

10. Throw around a Frisbee.

11. Jump on a trampoline.

12. Go to the Field House and walk, run, play badminton....

13. Go on a tour of Saskatoon via canoe.

Outdoors – relaxing/entertaining!

14. Play bocce ball.

15. Go horseback riding.

16. Go go-carting at Wilson’s Entertainment Park.

17. Do some batting at the batting cage.

18. Go hit some golf balls at a driving range.

19. Do some gardening in a yard that needs it.

20. Walk around Broadway.

21. Have a picnic in Lakewood Park.

22. With a digital camera and take turns doing a photo shoot with one another.

23. Go on a photo walk together.

24. Ride the bus around town.

25. .Visit Wanuskewin Heritage Park.

26. Visit some animals at the Forestry Farm.

27. Go to an off-leash park

28. Enjoy one of Saskatoon’s festivals.

29. Bring a lawn chair and umbrella, and read a book at the Saskatoon sandbar.

30. Camp out in a back yard

31. Go on a river cruise.

Outdoors – let’s make a deal!

32. Go to an auction sale at McDougall’s.

33. Go to a dozen garage sales looking for Waldo.

34. Go to open houses and discuss preferences in decor.

35. Visit the Saskatoon Farmer’s Market.

36. Buy outfits for each other at Value Village and go out for dinner wearing them.

Indoors – light physical activity!

37. Enjoy some glow bowling.

38. Learn how to dance the Salsa at Beily’s.

39. Play miniature golf at the Market Mall.

40. Volunteer somewhere.

Indoors – entertainment!

41. Go to a concert at the Credit Union Centre.

42. Go to a show at TCU Place.

43. Go to a movie.

44. Go to Bridges for wings (Thursday)

45. Take a bus to the Dakota Dunes Casino, and have a drink in the bar.

46. Enjoy the Poetry Slam at Lydias.

47. Take in a book launch at the McNally Robinson book store.

48. Take in a live musical performance at the Prairie Ink Restaurant (in the McNally Robinson book store) while sharing a slice of carrot cake.

49. Go to a U of S Huskies game.

50. Go to a play at the Persephone Theatre.

51. Listen to dueling pianos at the Staqatto Piano Lounge

52. Watch a show at the Broadway Theatre.

53. Randomly pick something from Saskatoon’s events calendar.

Indoors – heavy TV viewing!

54. Have a Star Trek marathon.

55. Have a Curb Your Enthusiasmmarathon.

56. Have an In Treatment marathon.

57. Have a Six Feet Under marathon.

58. Have a Sandra Bullock marathon.

59. Have a Jack Black marathon.

60. Have a Bill Murray marathon.

Indoors – just the two of you!

61. Have a games night for just the two of you.

62. Get a copy of 365 Questions for Couplesor The 20 Questions for Couples Game, and devote an entire weekend solely to asking and answering questions.

63. Give each other a pedicure.

64. Give each other a massage.

65. Slow dance at home to romantic music.

66. Prepare a romantic dinner together.

67. Paint basement.

68. Relax on a white carpet in front of the fireplace, light tons of candles, play some soft music, and sip wine.

69. Read poetry to each other.

70. Paint a picture separately (of your ideal home) then compare.

71. Paint a picture together.

72. Buy craft supplies at Dollarama and make a gift for each other.

73. Write a simple screenplay for each other, then pretend you're trying out for a movie.

74. Spend a few hours introducing/showing each other what you do for a living.

75. Spend a day doing or sharing each others’ hobbies.

Indoors – social activities!

76. Host a games night with your parents.

77. Host a games night with your friends.

78. Visit with my friends.

79. Visit with your friends.

80. Visit with my family.

81. Visit with your family.

82. Go visit a senior who lives in a senior’s residence.

Indoors – educational/cultural/historical

83. Go on a tour of the Canadian Light Source Synchrotron.

84. Go to the observatory.

85. Go to the Mendel art gallery and choose art for our living rooms.

86. Have a rendezvous in the Mendel art gallery conservatory.

87. Trek through the steam tunnels beneath the U of Saskatchewan.

88. Tour the University of Saskatchewan.

89. Go to a lecture at the university.

90. Look for stray hair at the Diefenbaker Canada Centre.

91. Visit the Museum of Antiquities.

92. Tour LB Distillers.

93. Take a course or a class of some kind.

94. Go on a tour of a place/business.

95. Visit the Western Development Museum.

96. Visit the Museum of Natural Sciences.

97. Visit the Ukrainian Museum of Canada.

Indoors – spiritual!

98. Go to church.

99. Meditatetogether.
100.Go to a retreat at Queen’s House.

----

Some really bad dates (in my opinion):

1. Hang gliding

2. Paragliding

3. Bungee jumping

4. Parachuting

5. Free diving

6. Mountain climbing

7. Getting drunk

8. Running with scissors

9. Key parties

10. Participating in an eating contest

11. Car racing on a track

12. Street racing

13. Dangerous driving

14. Bull fighting or running

15. Jet boating

16. Cliff jumping

17. Gambling

18. Drugs

19. Hitchhiking

20. Hunting

21. Going to a rodeo

22. Going to a circus

23. Running with wolves

24. Going to a horse race

25. Going to a gun range

26. Endangering the life of an animal or hurting an animal

27. Experimenting with foil in the microwave

28. Anything to do with Ouija boards or the occult

29. Sitting on a beach (without sun cover/block)
30. Visit a slaughterhouse, meat-packing plant, or stock yards.

...

Some life lessons that I’ve picked up so far

2012-09-10T17:41:00.001-06:00

1. Everyone’s got shit. Everyone – even people who seem to have it all – is dealing with their own ‘demons,’ insecurities, etc. In other words, we’re all human and deserve compassion and understanding. Reach out. When you develop some insight into what others are dealing with, it sure helps you become more compassionate. Sure, you’ll probably come across your share of assholes in your life, and it’s hard to be empathetic towards them. But, know that they are broken people who have lots of shit and haven’t learned how to deal with it, so they pass it on to you. You don’t have to accept it, mind you, but don’t throw it back in their face or someone else’s either.

2. Appreciate challenging people. We will encounter people who will challenge us and want to do things differently. Sometimes the best thing to do is to work with them, try to understand who they are as individuals, where they’re coming from. Try to work through potential conflict – face it by supporting and taking the high road, rather than avoiding or seeing this as a challenge to your authority/competence /sense of worth (whether personally or professionally). If every person that we meet carries a lesson for us, try to understand what lesson that person might have for you. If you find yourself ‘confronting’ a certain kind of difficult person over and over again, it probably means that you haven’t learned the lesson that this kind of person has to bring you. It probably means that what you’ve been doing to deal with such people hasn’t been working. Try something different.

3. Use humour to diffuse potentially embarrassing/difficult situations. It shows your humanity, lightens the tone of the interaction, and allows people to save face. It also gives you and others an “out” in a difficult situation. It reduces stress levels; it lightens the mood and the load. But, avoid sarcasm; it’s a form of passive aggressiveness that, more often than not, comes across as smug, indirect criticism. Most of all, laugh at yourself. Admit your faults, be generous in spirit.

4. Let others be. No pressure. Don’t expect them to live up to your expectations and be disappointed when they fail to do so. Live your life as best you can. Don’t rely/count on others to make a life for you. It’s your life; live it. Invite, don’t insist. Meet people where they are. Don’t impose your point of view. Adopt Colombo’s approach to interactions: instead of jumping on what seems to you to be obviously wrong/stupid/etc., say something like, “Is that right?” Ask non-threatening questions; don’t be a know-it-all or seek to impose your perspective.

5. Be open to experience. Life is a cornucopia of experiences and opportunities. Don’t limit yourself. Variety = more learning potential and lessons learned. Be flexible; lessons and opportunities to learn come in different packages. Value personal growth and learning. Get a life; develop and pursue some interests. Volunteer. Don’t wait for someone to come around and make your life interesting for you. Don’t become a cling on.

6. Do not despair.There is always a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Face difficulties and move through them one step at a time. You choose your experience; just have faith in yourself that you can get through hard times.

7. Take initiative. Don’t let inertia set it, and be complacent about your situation (ala “Things aren’t great, but changing them is too much work. I’ll just accept this sad situation as my lot in life.) Don’t wait for life, love, opportunities to come to you. Take the first step towards other people, places and things. You’d be amazed by how things fall into place once you signal that you’re ready for a change. If you reach out to people, the worst they can say is “get lost.” So, big deal. But, more than likely, they will be grateful that you contacted them. Also, don’t sit there wishing you had someone else’s life. You have your life, which is actually pretty good when you think of it.

8. Be a source of learning (and light) for others. Try to become a “vessel of learning” in the sense that others can learn things through you. Don’t be preachy; lead by example.

9. Learn to collaborate. Listen, support and encourage. Play well in the sandbox. Don’t insist on getting your way all the time. Be open to others’ guidance and insights.

10. Don’t accept mistreatment. This applies to all types of relationships and situations – example, someone who is always asking you to do things for her, someone who is belittling you in front of others, someone who thinks that you should be at their beck and call, someone who makes seemingly innocent but biting comments... Nip it in the bud from the beginning. Point it out, ask what they mean. Set limits. You teach others how to treat you. Don’t accept dregs for yourself.

11. Learn something in every situation. You will continue to experience the same situations over and over again till you’ve learned the lesson associated with the experience. Try a new behaviour and see if that changes your experience.

12. Be grateful for all that life gives you. Gratitude is the attitude that gives you altitude.

13. Expect the best! Life gives you what you ask for, so ask for the best. Here are some interpersonal examples: “My life is rich with joyful interactions with others from which I learn all I need to on a soul level. I am a vibrant person who attracts wonderful, available romantic soulmates who are perfectly suited to me.”

14. Trust yourself. Listen to your heart. Your intuition is often right; the more that you begin to trust it, the more that it will work for you and send you in the right direction. If you don’t feel right in a certain situation or with a person, there’s a reason. Ask your intuition to send you clear signs (“If you’re sending me a sign, make it unmistakeable!”)

15. Forgive others and yourself. We are all human, doing the best we know how to do, but sometimes doing really crappy things.

16. Accept what is. Be realistic about situations and people. Don’t expect people to change; they might, but deal with what is in front of you right now.

Finally, please see these important life lessons from Star Trek.

The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat

2012-09-08T21:21:00.000-06:00

by Elizabeth Landers, Vicky Mainzer (2005)

Book summary:

You've heard it before: Your friend's husband is acting distant, and she blames herself. Rumor starts to spread that he's running around with his secretary, and still your friend doesn't see. Then he drops the Bomb, moves out - and is soon happily remarried to his mistress. How could your friend have been so blind? That could never happen to you. Statistics show that 35% of husbands cheat on their wives. In The Script, Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer take readers through the standard lines that have been used by hundreds of unfaithful husbands. Like a screenplay for a movie you never wanted to see, The Script indicates which signs to look for, red flags you might not have noticed before, and how to turn the tide of disaster before it's too late.

Check out their website here. These two (divorced) ladies have spoken with hundreds of women whose partners cheated on them as well as other resources in the field of marriage relationships. The authors suggest that there is a pattern or script that all men follow, regardless of their age, location, or background. It is as though they have been reading the same "how to cheat on your partner" manual.

Here is the Table of Contents of the book:

10 interesting points:

Step 1. "I would never do that" - He observes another man cheating on his partner and say that he would never do that, assuring the wife that she needn't worry about this (don't be vigilant). It may cause the wife to not be attentive to any "signs" that follow, because he has pre-emptively assured her that she can trust him. But, it's a very early warning sign of what might happen in the future. [My thoughts: If you check out this website, you'll see that I would never do that "is a conditional statement, meaning 'I'd never do that unless...'. It can be used to express certain actual conditions or as a courtesy ('I'd never do that unless I were e.g. very weak in character')." It stands in contrast to I will never do that, "A statement of future fact. Used to expressive absolute assurance." In other words, already built in the statement is the possibility that there may be some conditions in the future that may cause him to cheat. How to respond: tell him something like, "That's wonderful. I hope that we can keep building on our strong and supportive relationship. If there is ever a problem of some sort, let's make sure to talk about it instead of letting things slide." Your goal here is to be preventative - to strengthen your marriage so that this doesn't ever become an issue, but, if a problem does develop, he knows he can come to you with it.

Step 2. He's complaining about you - He makes declarative statements about your mental, physical health; for example, he might say that you look depressed, that you're mixed up, moody, lazy, bitchy, out of control, etc. He may also say something like, "I keep telling you to..." He's trying to make himself look like the good "even keeled" guy. He's saying this to you, but is ALSO complaining about you to others! So, he's starting to build a case that you're a basket case to get YOU to believe it but to garner the support of others. [My thoughts: Indeed, he might engage in "crazy making" by hiding your keys and other things so that you start questioning your own sanity (and even start agreeing with him). In fact, when someone tells you that you look stressed or tired, after a while, you start to agree with their observations. Watch the Gaslight movie for an example of crazy making. How to respond: Be confident in yourself; keep yourself in shape in every way. If things go missing etc., keep them away from him (hide them). When he complains, insist on specifics; otherwise, don't believe him. If there are things that you can improve (and when aren't there), maybe you can both engage in self-improvement together. Fun times! Also, see if others are starting to change how they react to you? That may be a sign that he's been saying nasty things about you. Always be super cheerful and competent in front of others - that'll make them think twice about the lies that he's spreading about you. Also if he suggests therapy, agree to therapy for both of you at the same time to build on your marriage. Finally, it's important to start keeping a journal. When you want to think the best of people (your partner, especially), it's so easy to minimize these little incidents. But, together, they form a pattern. This pattern is only visible when the bits and pieces accumulate, and you see them all together. By the way, you probably don't want to have written notes hanging around. Instead just send yourself e-mails. Include his exact words as much as possible, any precipitating events, what you said, how you felt, etc. The pattern over time may astound you! Listen to what your intuition is saying about what is happening when he is complaining - is he being loving/caring about you. or is he trying to control you? Anyhow, by this time, cracks are showing up in your relationship; he's dissatisfied. Your goal is to do all you can to address these cracks head on and strengthen your marriage. Do not ignore the situation, hoping that it will improve on its own.]

Step 3. His gaze is directed outwards. He's not feeling appreciated at home and is looking at possibilities.

TO BE CONTINUED...(I'M JUST IN THE PROCESS OF WRITING THIS ONE.)

Will He Cheat? (And Will You Know?)

Your guy's behavior today can tell you if he'll stray later, say the authors of an eye-opening new book. Here's how to spot the subtle warning signs and how to keep your marriage strong for good.

He spends more time away from the house.

You have less sex.

He avoids contact.

He does not answer his cell phone.

He criticizes you more.

Signs Your Guy is Cheating

1. He's Acting Differently.
2. He's Avoiding You. 3. His General Response to You Has Changed.
4. He Has Suddenly Become Very Private.
5. He is Unreliable

Obvious Signs of Cheating … Is He a Cheater?
1. His Looks
2. Overtime at work
3. New found love for an old car
4. Hairy scary evidence
5. Shy to be shirtless
6. Stomach oh-so-upset
7. What’s that smell
8. Liar Liar: The most obvious sign of cheating
9. Internet love
10. Bank Statements
11. Dry Spells

7 SIGNS HE’S NOT CHEATING …

1. HE’S RELAXED AND OPEN ABOUT NEW FRIENDSHIPS AND HABITS
2. HE’S STILL INTERESTED IN YOU
3. REGULAR BEDROOM ACTIVITY
4. YOU CAN HAVE SMALL ARGUMENTS
5. IT ISN'T CONSISTENT WITH HIS CHARACTER
6. HE’S EMOTIONALLY STABLE
7. YOU CAN ASK HIM THE KEY QUESTION

By Jennifer Graham Kizer

You've heard all the time-honored cheating-man clichés -- he starts to take more interest in his appearance, he suddenly seems to know a few new sexual tricks -- and they're clichés for a reason: Men often do follow these fairly obvious patterns when they're unfaithful. But there are also more subtle early signs, specific things all men say and do before they stray, according to Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer, authors of the new book The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat.

A script for philanderers? That all men follow? Sure, it seems like an oversimplified notion about a complex subject. But Landers and Mainzer only developed their theory after listening to a string of friends vent about their unfaithful guys. In each woman's story, the men delivered the same lines, in the same order. Intrigued, the pair started talking to jilted wives nationwide. And in hundreds of interviews, they continued to hear...the same lines, same order.

Landers says that for most men, following the script is a subconscious thing, not some kind of vast masculine conspiracy. "By the time a husband starts down the road to adultery," she says, "he's already heard the explanations and rationalizations that other husbands have used. So he picks up the lines from them." Sure, some evil cads might knowingly quote from the script, but most men are unaware that they're defaulting to it.

Anywhere from 22 percent to 60 percent of husbands are likely to stray, depending on which study you read or which expert you ask. But here's what the majority of experts agree on: Most affairs happen in marriages that are already in trouble -- whether or not the spouses realize that's the case. So do listen for these lines from The Script in your own life; they may or may not be hard evidence that your man's going to cheat -- but they are sure signs that your marriage could be headed for tough times. Here's how to recognize them so you can interrupt the script (no matter who starts it, it takes two to act it out) and challenge your husband to work with you to get through your relationship's rough spots together.

The Preemptive Denial

He says: "I would never do that to you."
Michael Stern,* a 39-year-old record executive, still recalls the day he said these words to his wife. "We were talking about President Clinton's affair," he says. "I laughed at the idea that I'd ever be unfaithful." But a year and a half later, he strayed.

A man who says this line probably believes his own comforting words, Landers notes. But on some level he's following the script, which teaches him to establish his "character" -- the loving, supportive spouse -- early on in his marriage. This comment, says Landers, "throws their wives off track, so they're less likely to believe it when an affair does happen."

How to interrupt the script

Even this seemingly harmless line provides a good opening to generate a dialogue about fidelity and closeness. If he says, "I would never do that," you might reply, "Me neither. But if one of us ever feels tempted, can we talk about it?" Or: "That's great to hear, but it happens to so many couples. Would you let me know if you ever do feel restless in our marriage?"

*Names have been changed.

The Concern for Your Well-Being

He says: "You need to see a psychiatrist."
Jim Cannon didn't cheat on his wife, but three years ago, the 32-year-old came close. He was attracted to a coworker who was always full of energy. "My wife can get really tired and frazzled," he says. "I know she has a very busy schedule, but I decided that her stress was starting to have an impact on me and our two kids. In my view, she wasn't putting enough effort into our relationship. So can you blame me for my office flirtation?" He suggested that his wife talk to a doctor about going on antidepressants. (She refused.)

In their interviews, Landers and Mainzer found that nearly all of the husbands told their wives that they were troubled or depressed; in many cases, the man would suggest that his wife seek professional counseling. "He may not even realize he's doing it, but he's starting to build a case," says Landers. "He's painted you as the one who drove him away." Of course, some of these women might have actually needed medical attention. "But the you-need-help comment was so pervasive that it couldn't always be true," says Landers.

Luckily, Jim Cannon's office attraction didn't evolve any further. "The more I got to know the woman at work," he says, "I just wasn't interested enough to risk my marriage for her." Meanwhile, when his wife's own office workload lightened, her demeanor did, too. Jim realized that his wife's "depression" wasn't chemical, but a natural reaction to a hectic life situation. And he had reacted by pulling away -- and falling into the script. "I was quick to jump to conclusions about my wife's mental state," he says. "And my judgment was obviously clouded by my interest in the woman at work," he says.

How to interrupt the script
If you get a comment like this, don't simply dismiss it or let it roll off your back -- or worse, get angry. You might say, "I do feel tired and stressed, but what makes you think I'm seriously depressed?" If he suggests that you go to counseling, ask him to come with you for couples therapy -- then use the sessions to help both of you to really communicate about how tough it's been to manage your busy lives, and what you can do together to improve the situation.

The Blame Game

He says: "I keep telling you to..."
Kelly Hanson's husband said these words so many times that she blamed herself when he ended up having an affair. The 28-year-old had opted to take time off from her career as a home-furnishings designer in order to care for their 1-year-old son. "Ken kept telling me I should go back to work," she says. "I actually wanted to -- I was going stir-crazy in our tiny apartment. But I also wanted to stick to my decision and give my baby another year with me full time."

Landers recognizes the scenario. "He's telling you to improve yourself in some way. Go back to school, join a gym, take time off, whatever," she says. It may look like tough love, say Landers and Mainzer -- your guy is urging you to pursue a goal that will fulfill you. But often his motivation for doing this (whether or not he's conscious of it) isn't so altruistic. One: He's sticking with the script's premise that he's the positive, high-minded spouse -- after all, he's only trying to help. Two: He's positioning you as the one who needs help. But you won't listen. And if only you would, you'd be happier and better off -- which in turn would make him happier.

Kelly, who's now divorced, says she missed this early warning sign. "Ken acted like he was concerned about my feelings about staying home," she says. "But what he was really getting at was that he wanted me to be more than just a boring housewife. And I'd better do something about it, or else."

How to interrupt the script
"Challenge him to explain himself," says Landers. Is he saying that he wishes you were more career-driven? That he feels you don't listen to his advice? Asking him questions will help you both figure out what's really on his mind. Ideally, this will start an ongoing conversation that plugs you into each other's point of view.

The Plea for Attention

He says: "What about me?"
Most men won't say this exact line, but it's what they're thinking. The sentiment -- that he's being undervalued by you -- is expressed in other forms, such as, "Can I get a thank-you once in a while?" or "I never get to do what I want to do." Or he might silently sulk, which is what Jim Cannon did. "I didn't feel like my wife appreciated me," he says. "The house was always messy, and on weeknights she spent more time in the kids' beds -- getting them to sleep -- than in ours. Meanwhile, I felt like I was keeping my end of the bargain, making the lion's share of our income and driving the kids around on weekends."

No doubt Jim's wife had a very different perspective, but for a man who's following the script, that's beside the point. "He's feeling like nobody cares and that his contributions to family life aren't valued," says Landers. But it's hard to know how deeply these feelings run if he doesn't tell you.

How to interrupt the script
Turn his muttered comments into a real conversation. If he's the silent type, you'll have to work a little harder to break through his sulking. "Bring up topics that involve feelings," says Landers. Your time may have been stretched thin lately -- could he think you're rejecting him? Set him straight. Or you might ask if there's anything he misses about your pre-kids life, like your special date nights. Let him know you miss them too. Fact is, maybe you both feel underappreciated. So talk about it, and find ways and make time to reconnect.

The Big Drift
He says: "I've grown and you haven't. You don't understand me."
This is a pivotal scene in the script. He's no longer just hinting at a disconnection between you; he's telling you that you two are drifting apart. The plot hasn't changed much -- he's continuing to frame himself as the stronger one, while you've failed to evolve in some way -- but the tension is higher.

The accusatory nature of this line also ends up reinforcing his argument, since a wife often responds with anger. When Kelly heard these words, she says, "I felt like I was being attacked, and then, of course, we started arguing. I came off like the defensive one, the whiner who just wasn't 'getting' what he was saying."

In fact, "I've grown and you haven't" is one of many comments that a man might use to spark a disagreement. "He's forcing you into acting unpleasant or irrational, which further drives a wedge between you," Landers says. "It makes him feel less guilty about spending time away from home."

How to interrupt the script
Yes, it's a rotten comment, but at least he's giving you a chance to take part in the dialogue. As Landers and Mainzer write, "Eureka! He's speaking! To you! And the words are...about how he feels!" The tricky part is to listen to him without being short-tempered in response. "Instead, encourage him to talk more," says Landers. "This could lead to more talks that might let him know that you do understand him."

The Dramatic Pause

He says: Nothing.
At a certain point, there seems to be a break in the script. He's not talking to you -- maybe not even looking at you -- as much as he used to. "Even before I was officially seeing the other woman, I was sharing more with her than I was with my wife," says Michael. "It was just easier to talk to her." Basically, he'd found a new confidant -- a more supportive one.

The husbands of the women Landers and Mainzer interviewed all began to look elsewhere for the appreciation they felt they were missing at home. In their book, the authors call this "talking to A BMW (Anyone But My Wife)." The only information that A BMW has to go on is what he tells and shows her about himself -- so she sees, say, his quick wit, not his hair-trigger temper. As for his wife, "She knows too much about him," says Landers. "So, from his perspective, any other woman is more likely to be supportive."

How to interrupt the script
You might be lulled by this period of calm, but don't be. "Take the first step to bridge the chasm," says Landers. You might say, "I feel like there's been distance between us lately. You know that you can talk to me about anything, right?" If you suspect he might be attracted to someone else, ask about it without anger. Sure, this is tough and painful to do, but it might lead him to acknowledge the truth. And talking about an attraction may lessen some of the illicit thrill he's getting from bonding with another woman on the sly.

The Vanishing Act

He says: "I'm going to need more time to..."
He needs to put in extra hours on a work project. He has to spend more time training for a big race. In Jim's case, it was simply: Work is crazy. I have to put in long hours. "My wife didn't know that I was staying late to hang out with a female coworker," he says. The "I need time" announcement comes late in the story, but sometimes before the affair actually begins. His decision to cheat might not be 100 percent certain, but he's preparing just in case. "He's diverting his wife's attention and buying himself some time," says Landers. "This way, he can put off having to answer questions about his whereabouts later."

How to interrupt the script
"Ask questions now!" says Landers. "Especially if your gut is telling you something's going on." You might say, "I know you have a lot of work to do, but is that all it is? Is something else happening here -- something we could talk about?" Push the issue.

Remember, any script can be rewritten. This may be one of your last chances to prevent a damaging crisis in your marriage. Don't let denial or resentment keep you from seizing it; overcoming the hard stuff together is what builds meaningful bonds that are truly unbreakable -- no matter what comes your way.

"Why I Cheated": Go inside the mind of a male adulterer.

Also see: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Men-Cheat_2

What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex. "The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling under-appreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."

If you suspect your husband is cheating, Gary says there are unobtrusive ways of investigating, such as looking at cell phone records or computer histories, or try using an automobile GPS tracking device if necessary. But first, find out if GPS tracking is legal in your state.

In his research as a marriage counselor and for The Truth About Cheating, Gary says he found several signs that a husband is cheating.

"Not only are these the signs that he's cheating," Gary says, "but they're the same signs for when he is about to cheat—because I'm very interested in prevention. So if he's starting to do that, either he's cheating or you should bring it up because he might be about to cheat. It's a precursor."

Gary says another precursor to a man's cheating is when he suddenly cannot stop talking about another woman. "So many women, when they find out their husbands cheat, they know right away who he's been cheating with because he's been talking about her," Gary says. "He's been talking about lunch and the project and they're building things together, whatever. They're doing all kinds of stuff together."

Lisa says she discovered her husband, Matt, was cheating on her when their nanny accidentally found his open e-mail account with more than 200 messages from his lover. She promptly told Lisa.

Gary says men often try to hide their cheating, even if the relationship has ended, because they cannot bear the guilt and are trying to cover it up. But if they are confronted by their wives, he says they need to come clean...but not necessarily about everything. "There's a very negative effect to telling everything, even if you as a woman must know," he says.

Gary says the best questions for a woman to ask are ones that will help her get a full picture of what happened and how to protect herself in the future. Gary says these are questions like: Who is she? Where did you meet her? How long ago did it happen? Do you still have anything to do with her? Do you still love her?

The questions to avoid are those that focus on specifics. A cheated-on woman should absolutely not ask: Did you tell her the same things you told me? Was she better at sex than me? What color underwear did she wear?

"It's very hard to get further past that when you have all that information," Gary says. "And here's the bottom line that a woman has to understand if you're going forward in this relationship and he's confessing and he's remorseful, and that is he was screwed up before. He made a mistake. He knows that. ... But right now he's saying, 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I really messed up.'"

In his research, Gary uncovered the number one complaint cheating husbands have about their home sex lives. "Believe it or not, the majority say it's frequency of sex," he says.

He says he finds this surprising because so much media targeted to women try to stoke other worries. "Women's magazines make women believe that they have to have a PhD in prostitution education or else the husband's going to cheat," he says. "It's just a matter of frequency."

Gary says sex for men is an emotional act, and a woman initiating sex is "like getting flowers and him washing the dishes for us."

"It's saying that I adore you, I care about you, I want to do something nice for you. It's a way that they connect," Gary says. "He wants to do it with you because he wants to feel love. He wants to have that loving connection—the touch, the feel, the sensuality, the passion that comes through a sexual connection."

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Why-Men-Cheat_2/11#ixzz25wDwKbfr

Also see: http://www.kreolmagazine.com/society-culture/creol-and-more/social/189-thirteen-signs-your-husband-or-boyfriend-is-cheating-on-you

Thirteen Signs Your Husband or Boyfriend is Cheating on You

If you have been feeling insecure and more than a little suspicious about whether your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you, think about whether the following major signs are familiar. It is crucial, however, to realize that everything on this list can also be explained in other ways. These thirteen signs do paint a picture of the stereotypical cheating partner, but they do not in themselves provide conclusive evidence. After reviewing these signs, we will explore how best to approach your partner about the subject of potential infidelity.

1. Your partner overreacts when you go near his phone or computer. If your partner panics or starts being territorial the moment you go anywhere near any device that he can use for personal messages, this may be because he is planning a nice surprise for you. More often than not, however, this apprehensive secrecy will be because he feels guilty about some aspect of his correspondence. In some cases, this secret correspondence will unfortunately consist in salacious exchanges or in plans to meet his other lover. A new and extreme interest in privacy is always a sign that you should consider whether your partner might be cheating on you.

2. Your partner is avoiding sex (or seems dispassionate during sex). A cheating partner will often bluster and offer quite unconvincing or insincere sounding excuses to get out of having sex with you. In addition, if he seems to be a million miles away or even looks bored while you are making love, this is definitely a sign that something is profoundly wrong (whether it can be explained by cheating or by something else entirely).

3. Your partner gives evasive answers to simple or fair questions. If you find that your partner stalls you or gives strange answers when you ask straightforward questions about his plans for the day or about what he has been doing, consider that this might be because he is trying to find an appropriate lie (and is worried about being caught out). A similar warning sign consists in your partner demanding that you explain why you want to know what you’re asking, when what you are asking is simply a polite or curious question that he did not used to criticize you for asking.

4. Being around your friends or family seems to make your partner uncomfortable. If your partner used to like going to family gatherings or meeting your friends for dinner and drinks, something is amiss if he suddenly stops showing interest in these activities. A cheating husband or boyfriend will often feel particularly guilty about his activities when he is around other people who love and care for you, and so he will isolate himself from your friends and family.

5. There is a new friend that you are not encouraged to meet. If your partner is talking about or spending a lot of time with a new colleague or friend, be suspicious if he attempts to steer you away from any possible chances to meet this new friend. This is a particularly important warning sign if your husband or boyfriend is either overly enthusiastic about constantly mentioning this person no matter what the context, or if he is extremely cagey about revealing any details about this mysterious new person who is taking up so much of his time..

6. Your partner is spending a lot more time ‘at work’. In some cases, a cheating partner truly will be spending time at work, because he will be cheating on you with someone he happens to have met at work. However, in other cases he will claim to be working late or say that he is taking on new work obligations when in actual fact he will be at a hotel or will be visiting his other lover’s home.

7. Your partner always seems distracted. Many personal problems and stresses can lead to your partner looking somewhat spaced out or distracted. One such problem, however, is infidelity. When a husband or boyfriend cheats, he is usually at least somewhat infatuated with the new person he is seeing. This leads to all the usual daydreaming and obsessive thoughts, and to an inability to properly concentrate on the 'mundane' aspects of daily life.

8. There have been changes in your partner’s regular habits and schedules. If your partner’s movements suddenly become unpredictable or confusing in ways that are not properly explained, this is cause to worry that he is hiding something significant. Warning signs include things like random trips to the grocery store that somehow last around an hour, not being at home at a time that he assured you he would be home by, and abruptly hanging up the phone when you walk into the room.

9. Your partner smells differently. Though most cheating partners take steps to make sure that they do not smell of another person’s cologne or perfume, sometimes an unfaithful husband or boyfriend will still slip up and fail to think about whether he is carrying this scent home with him.

10.You are being disproportionately nagged or criticized. When people have affairs, sometimes the guilt leads them to extreme lengths to help justify their affair. This can manifest in an increased willingness to find fault with their primary partner, so that they do not view the primary partner as being victimized.

11. You find a different kind of birth control to the kind the two of you use together. If you find condoms when one of you is sterile or when your form of birth control is a hormonal contraceptive like the pill, this is obviously strong cause to suspect that your partner might be playing away from home.

12. Your partner has a suddenly renewed interest in appearance and sexiness. If your partner starts being more interested in his looks then this might be due to self-esteem problems or concerns about growing old, but sometimes it will be because he is out to impress someone new. If your partner starts buying a lot of new clothes, or is taking a strangely long time to get ready before going out to do things that he claims are mundane, this is a reason to be at least somewhat suspicious. It is definitely a warning sign if this new interest in appearance is not accompanied by any interest in whether you like his new clothes, style or efforts.

13. Your partner insists on immediately showering upon returning home. A cheating husband or boyfriend will often want to go straight to the shower when he gets back from seeing their other lover. Sometimes this is so that you will not smell the other person on his skin, but at other times this might be due to feelings of guilt and a desire to cleanse himself of his wrongdoing.

If you recognize more than half of the above signs, your suspicions about infidelity are justified. However, this does not mean that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you, and you could end up being the one who is dumped if you erroneously accuse him of being so heinously dishonest with you. The most sensible thing you can do is to offer your evidence and calmly admit your suspicions, then see what he says in response. If it turns out that your partner has been cheating but is willing to stop, consider whether you could ever forgive or trust him again. If you think you could make the relationship work again, try going to couple’s therapy together once your partner has entirely severed ties with the other woman or man in his life.

Also see: http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/ld/a/6-Signs-Your-Guy-is-Cheating.html

6 Signs Your Guy is Cheating

It’s every woman’s worst relationship fear — that her man is cheating. We've all heard the statistic: half of all men cheat. And some experts say that number is even closer to three quarters. Could it be happening to you? Aside from finding lipstick on his collar, a mysterious condom in his pocket or, yes, a phone number on a napkin (helpful hints but unlikely clichés!), there are some red flags to watch out for to tip you off that something fishy might be going on.

The following are six signs that should raise your eyebrows:

1.The most telltale sign of a cheating man is that he’s acting differently than the way he used to. If any of the signals below describe your guy’s usual actions, don’t freak out and immediately assume he’s having an affair; he’s probably just being his quirky self. What you should be suspicious of is new developments, says Barbara Feld, LCSW, a couple’s therapist at Park Avenue Relationship Consultants in New York City. She says you should ask yourself, “Is what’s happening different than normal? Is he showing a real change in behavior?” If he’s always been private, hasn't ever had the highest sex drive, or often flakes out on plans, that’s just who he is. It’s when he starts to be that way and never was before that you should start asking questions.

2. If your guy has suddenly started coming home much later, seems to be making excuses to be out of the house, starts going away without you on the weekends, or just generally seems to be avoiding you, that’s a clear indication of trouble in your relationship. M. Gary Neuman, a licensed family counselor and the author of The Truth About Cheating, found that 61 percent of cheating men said they started spending more time away from home. Fifty-five percent of men about to cheat said the same thing. No matter how busy your guy may be, he should be making an effort to see you (because, hello – he loves you, right?). If he’s stopped making time for you, it’s not at all unreasonable to wonder if he’s making time for someone else.

3. You’re Having Less/Different Sex. You might think that cheating men stop sleeping with their partners completely. But that’s not always the case. According to M. Gary Neuman, a little less than half of cheating men report having less sex with their partner. Others keep having sex so that they don’t raise suspicions – sneaky bastards. So be alert to the amount of sex you’re having, but most of all, pay attention to the quality of the sex. Therapist Barbara Feld says sometimes when a guy is having an affair, the quantity of sex remains the same, but it’s the sex itself that changes. Maybe it used to be very romantic, and feel more like making love, and now it just feels like plain old sex.

4. If a guy is having an affair, he may stop acting like the sweet, romantic man you fell in love with. Maybe he used to be very loving and kind towards you, but now he seems to get annoyed easily, be critical, or pick fights. If he’s consistently not being affectionate with you, don’t brush it off. Try to figure out why he’s different – and what could be distracting him, or making him feel guilty.

5. He Has Suddenly Become Very Private. It’s just not normal for your guy to always go into a different room to answer calls, keep his cell phone in his car, or get really private about his bills (unless, of course, your man is a privacy freak and you knew that going in). But if he suddenly stops checking his e-mail in front of you, has turned the bathroom into a phone booth, and has redirected the bills to his office, it’s a fair guess than an affair is under way.

6. Quite simply, says Barbara Feld, “Is he where he says he will be?” If he’s never where he says he’s going to be, it’s a certain sign he’s lying to you about something. Maybe he says he’ll be at the office, but you call and he’s not there. Or he says he’s with a friend, and that friend then calls looking for him. Everyone’s plans change sometimes, but if your guy is consistently not where he says he will be, it’s very possible it’s because he’s with another woman.

Read 5 Signs He Isn't Over His Ex

If your guy is showing any of these six signs, talk with him about it. Tell him things feel different than they used to, and you want to know what’s going on. “If he tells you everything is fine but you know it’s not, continue to pursue the issue,” says Barbara Feld. “You can also suggest, ‘let’s talk to someone together,’ and get couples therapy.”

Don’t turn a blind eye on your relationship. If things are bad, getting bad, or just feel strange, do something about it. Even if your guy isn’t having an affair, all the signs above could be signals that he’s about to. By addressing – and working with him to fix – whatever is going on in your relationship, you can prevent an affair from ever happening in the first place. If you’re noticing negative changes or problems in your relationship, address them now, while they’re still small. Maintaining a strong relationship with open communication is one of the best things you can do to ensure fidelity—both on his part and yours.

Also see: http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/6-signs-your-guy-is-cheating-527862.html

Also see: http://allwomenstalk.com/is-he-a-cheater-10-obvious-signs-of-cheating/

By Sheila Joseph Sheila Joseph

Every woman needs to know these Obvious Signs of Cheating. Why? Well, no relationship is foolproof, least of all a marriage. And sometimes, when you’ve been with each other for so long, trouble may show its ugly face in the form of an extramarital affair. And if and when that happens, you need to be prepared…starting off with knowing how to identify these 11 obvious signs of cheating…

So your husband has always been one of those guys who never bothered looking into the mirror more than once, never tucked in his shirt unless he had to, never cared that his socks were smelly, never wore deodorant unless you begged him to but suddenly there’s a metamorphosis. There are new clothes, haircuts, new shoes, maybe even a manicure and pedicure! Now, there’s nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and wanting to look good but when it’s an overnight change….when you literally wake up to realize that your former slob of a husband has suddenly started to make a serious effort in the looks department, something is definitely brewing.

In all possibility, your poor husband could be working overtime just so that he can afford that necklace you wanted for your birthday or maybe there are other reasons for him to stay out of the house. Has something been bothering him at home? Has your relationship been very stressful of late? Have you spoken to him about it? Never assume that just because he’s staying late at work, he’s cheating. But if you have ruled out other options and can’t see any other reasons for why he’s unreachable at work, the unexplained meetings and sudden business trips,it’s time to find out what’s happening. The simplest way to find out the truth? Check his salary stub. If he has indeed been working overtime, his salary stub will show it. So get a hold of it and you might just be able to catch him cheating on you.

Gone are the days when your husband was more than okay with a bunch of old pizza boxes lying around in that junk of a car and having it smell like someone died in it. If you notice that he’s suddenly been keeping his car squeaky clean to the point where he doesn’t even want your hairbrush in the glove compartment or toys on the backseat, it could be a sign that he’s a)trying to do away with any indication of having a family b) using his car for ‘extracurricular’ activity. You need to put on your spy glasses immediately and find out what’s happening because this is quite an obvious sign of cheating.

This one is such a classic. Imagine this, you are folding your husbands shirts when you chance upon a long blonde hair clinging to one of them. Now that’s perfectly fine except you are a brunette and your children have brown hair! If you notice a trend with this hair thing, maybe it’s time to question him. So if your husband is having an extra marital affair you better hope she has a hairfall problem. It will make your detective work so much easier. Maybe you should collect all the blonde hair, put them in a sachet and throw it on his face when you question him after you have confirmed that he’s cheating on you.

I remember this is how a friend caught an ex boyfriend’s secret affair. Wearing a winter scarf in summer does not exactly scream faithful. Oh well! Here are some signs that he might be trying to hide an unexplained bruise:
If he is suddenly “shy” to change in front of you.
If he makes sure that the two of you only have sex in the dark.
If he wants to shower with the bathroom door locked out of the blue.
If he usually walks around in just his shorts but lately has been covering himself up more than necessary.
Could there be a more obvious sign of cheating?

If you ask him to catch up for lunch and he politely declines over and over again making up ridiculous excuses, maybe he’s busy doing something else during lunch break. Pay him a surprise visit at work…picnic basket et al and see what you find. And as if that wasn't bad enough, he seems increasingly disinterested in the dinners you cook him even if they are his favorite dishes. He either has a bad tummy or just doesn't feel like eating. Well, he’s gotta be eating somewhere and with someone. And a guy can only have so many “boys nights out”.

You HATE floral fragrances so what’s your husband’s laundry doing smelling like it? Not only that, he reeks of it when he comes home late from work and that too when he comes home supposedly after a guys night out. The nauseating smell becomes increasingly familiar and it’s not yours! Women have a keener sense of smell than their male counterparts and you should use it to your advantage. If you are a hundred percent sure that you’re not imagining it, work up the guts to ask him something like “What’s that new perfume you’re wearing? Isn't it a little too floral for a man?”. Watch his reaction. If he cringes or seems surprised even for a second, you know something’s up.

It’s funny when men think they can lie to you and get away with it that easily. They obviously aren't aware of our ridiculously strong radar that can smell a lie a mile away. Now we all indulge in little white lies every now and then. And that’s okay. But if you notice that your husband has been lying to you way too often, if he hasn't been looking you in the eye when asked where he was or why he’s late and if he has one too many excuse for his actions, confront him.
Too many cover-ups = trouble.

So you notice a sudden increase in your husbands online activity. He is on his laptop ALL the time and you know it’s not work related. He is suddenly very active on social networking sites and it’s not just old friends he’s catching up with. He even has new email accounts that you don’t have the password to. Tip of the iceberg: When you suddenly walk into the room, he closes chat windows or the laptop screen itself and seems uncomfortable. Is he trying to hide his communication with someone? Possibly. If curiosity gets the better of you, try to look up his history to see if you can find something and if it has been erased, you know he definitely has something to hide.

It’s your turn to bring in the mail and you happen to glance at your husband's bank statement. And what do you see? A couple of confusing charges. Maybe some payments made to a lingerie store. Now you know he didn't get you anything and obviously he wasn't buying himself a thong from Victoria’s Secret. And then there’s that charge by a jewelry store and one too many payments made at nice restaurants. You would know if you were at dinner with him and you very well know that you haven’t received any gifts from him in months! Just make sure your birthday or anniversary isn't around the corner and read these signs he’s not cheating, before you scream at him asking him who he’s buying all this stuff for.

When was the last time the two of you got hot and heavy? When was the last time you even kissed passionately? Has there been a serious slack in the bedroom department? Now all couples have their ups and downs and dry spells are as common as snow in winter. But if you've been “dry” for way too long and any effort you make is being met with a negative response, maybe its time to bring it up.

So there! Quite easy to catch on to these obvious signs of cheating don’t you think? If you are convinced, here are some ways to find out with whom he’s cheating on you. Just remember that your instinct is your best friend. If you think something’s up, something probably is. Also remember the two C’s….confrontation and communication. They are both better options than beating yourself up over it. Please do share your experiences… obvious signs of cheating that you missed and how you reacted once you found out he was cheating on you. I’m sure others in the same situation would love to know…

We all get a bit paranoid from time to time. Coupled with a bad bout of insecurity, the stresses and pressures of general life can make the world seem like a mean, difficult place, inhabited solely by people who are ‘out to get you.’ If you’re feeling this kind of sensitive to begin with, it’s easy to misinterpret any change in your partner’s routine and take it as confirmation of the worst. To help to reassure you, I've done some research and asked around, and compiled a list of 7 signs he’s not cheating.

As a couple, it’s healthy and important to have individual relationships and pursuits. Sometimes, though, a new friend or hobby that leads to alterations in your partner’s regular routine can become a source of anxiety for you: you might begin to wonder exactly who he’s hanging out with at the gym so often, or why he needs to meet that new ‘guy’ for drinks every second evening. Casually ask him about the things that bother you: unless his response is tense and defensive, you've more than likely got nothing to worry about.

If your partner is cheating, there is usually a sense of disconnect in the relationship. You’ll notice him pulling away from you and retreating into his own world. If your man remains keen to chat to you, however, and is happy to make time to do things together as a couple, then the chances are good that he’s not with anyone else.

A man can only have a certain amount of sex. If you’re still getting plenty of after-dark action, you can be pretty sure you’re the only girl he’s seeing.

A relationship in which one party is cheating is, by definition, on the rocks. One small nudge in the wrong direction, one little disagreement, might be enough to send the whole things right over the edge. If the two of you still argue about little things, and have the occasional minor spat, it’s a sign you’re solid enough to handle the rough patches without disintegrating.

Everyone can be devious, yes. But it takes a fair amount of cold-blooded duplicity to betray your partner and lie, consistently, to his or her face. Think about it. If, deep down, you really don’t believe he’s got it in him to pull off sangfroid to this degree, then the chances are good that he hasn't.

As we've established, cheating is not an easy undertaking – or at least, it shouldn't be. For most people, a secret affair is extremely stressful, and fraught with feelings of guilt, indecision and anxiety. If your man is calm and relaxed most of the time, and rarely flies into bouts of apparently unfounded rage or depression, then there’s probably nothing big weighing on his conscience.

It’s not really advisable to ask your partner if he or she is cheating. You wouldn't like it if he did, and he won’t be thrilled either. But if you do get to a point where you feel that you need to open your mouth, you’ll find that, if he’s innocent, he’ll be able to take it, and, eventually, to understand your reasons for asking him.

In short, a relationship in which one person cheats is bound to be on shaky ground; if you feel anxious, disconnected and sidelined in the long term, these are valid reasons to reevaluate your partnership. If, however, you genuinely, and generally, feel close to your partner and two of you really are interdependent and mutually trustful, it’s a good indicator that you’re with a man who’s faithful. Remember, everyone experiences moments of insecurity; it’s just important that these remain in perspective. That concludes my list of 7 signs he’s not cheating; do you have any suggestions to add to it?

The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex

2012-09-07T02:55:00.002-06:00

By: David Borgenicht, Joshua Piven, Jennifer Worick (2001)

This book is full of tips presented with a touch of humour. I wonder how many people actually use the tips that are provided in these Worst Case Scenario books? The list of experts they consulted is impressive, but all tips must be used with judgement.

Here are bits and pieces of 10 tips that are offered.
(Note: although I use the pronoun "he," in general, the text could also apply to women.)

1. Your date is an axe murderer if 4 or more of the following apply to him:

Caucasian male in his 20s or 30s
Obsession with fire or matches
Cruelty to animals [my thought: this alone would be a deal-breaker!]
History of bed-wetting
Sexually abused as a child
Middle-class background combined with loner behaviour
Difficulty maintaining relationships.

Main points: Trust your intuition. Break off the relationship pronto, don't blame him, try not to make him angry. Protect yourself: carry a cell phone, change your phone number, stay near populated, well-lit areas, document unusual happenings, and tell a friend...

2. Your date is married if:

There's a circle of lighter skin around the base of the ring finger or he keeps touching that area.
He won't give his home phone number [my thought: or home address]
He refuses to hold hands with you in public [my thought: or always wants dates to be at your place or out of the way places; he avoids popular restaurants]
He wants you to drive to places separately (so that you don't leave any physical traces of yourself in his car).
There are signs of a spouse or kids in his car.
He won't present you to his friends after 2-3 dates.
He refuses to stay the night after having dated for some time.
He insists on having a shower at your place after you've been intimate (so that your scent isn't on him when he returns home).
He won't make plans to spend the weekend together.
He won't introduce you to his children.
He pays bills in cash only (never uses a credit card).
He never writes you letters or sends e-mails (leaving no paper trail...).
He signs greeting cards with only a nickname (leaving no paper trail...).

3. Your partner is having an affair if:

He seems to have frequent disappearances (that may be supported by alibis or witnesses). [my thought: If he frequently says that he has to work late, you could surprise at work with a lunch.]
He makes changes to his lifestyle (these could be multiple and/or obvious, but not necessarily so. They may include altering the way he dresses, the foods he eats or his sexual habits).
He develops interests or discusses topics that he previously knew nothing about.
He takes out a lot of cash from the bank (cheaters often pay with cash and avoid credit cards).
He leaves for work wearing one outfit and returns wearing another.

Main point: Look for changes - absences, habits, financial issues, etc. Also, trust your intuition.
(my thought: This section in the book is entitled, "How to have an affair and not get caught." But, I think that it's better to counsel people about the signs that their partner is having an affair than to tell them how to have one. The same points apply, but in reverse.)

4. Your date is a con artist or pathological liar if 3 or more of the following apply to him:

He has missed a string of dates with you.
He changes dates at the last minute.
He often receives unexplained phone calls.
He won't give out information about his past.
He only gives you his first name.
He won't contact family members.
He lacks connections to the community, friends or co-workers.
He's worried about his finances.
He has asked you for a loan.
He changes his stories and claims.

Again, trust your intuition. Also, watch his eyes when you're talking with him. If he's lying (creating something), he'll look up and to their right. However, if you ask them a question about their past, they should be looking up and to their left. [My thought: This isn't 100% accurate, so just take this as one piece of information in an overall pattern.] Finally, protect yourself: guard your financial assets, change your e-mail, banking passwords, locks, etc.

5. If your date is moving too fast (says he loves your or starts talking about the future early in the relationship, for example, within the first month):

Tell him to slow down (in a joking fashion, but, if this doesn't work, be direct).
Don't agree to more than one date per week (no weekend vacations!).
See if he's catching you on the rebound or has specific goals (e.g., buying a house) that you're just a vehicle for accomplishing.
Suggest that you have a conversation about the future on a specific date in the future.
Beware of flattery (he may be intense simply because he wants to be with someone, anyone).
Voice discomfort over inappropriate PDAs (+set limits).

6. To escape from a bad date:

Fake an emergency. Leave the table, ask a friend to call you on your cell phone with an emergency, leave quickly before your date can protest.
Slip away unnoticed. Identify your escape route. Plan to alter your appearance in the bathroom (e.g., add or remove glass, roll your sleeves, modify your hairstyle, put on a hat or long coat). Change your walk. Do not look at your date.
Slip out the bathroom window.
Get your date to leave. Say something offensive. Behave inappropriately (chewing with mouth open, eat with fingers, argue with waiter, pretend to sleep, etc.).

7. To deal with (your) farting:

Limit intake of dairy products (especially if you know that you're lactose intolerant).
Eat a small meal, and avoid gas-forming foods.
Drink peppermint tea after a meal.
Emit the gas in the bathroom.

(Here's a sample page - just to show you the wonderful drawings!)

8. To prevent a hangover:

Don't drink.
Eat before you begin to drink, or snack while drinking.
If you don't eat, coat your stomach with a full glass of milk.
Pace yourself and drink water between drinks.
Drink clear liquors.
Sip champagne and mixed drinks made with carbonated sodas slowly.
Know your limits.
Do not mix your liquor.
Before going to bed, have a snack of a banana or cheese and crackers.
Keep water beside your bed and drink it if you awaken during the night.

To sober up:

Don't take pain killers before, during or after drinking (they can cause liver damage!).
Drink lots of fluids, especially water or tomato juice.
Take a vitamin.
Eat starchy foods (e.g., rice or pasta), a spoonful of honey, or anything that your body craves.

9. To end a relationship:

Get out immediately (as soon as you realize that the relationship isn't working for you).
Decide on a mode of communication depending on the length of the relationship (voice mail & e-mail are cowardly, unless you've just met the person).
Be kind (mention things you like about him).
Be decisive and state your position simply. Leave no room for doubt or negotiation.
Keep the focus on yourself (don't make it their fault).
Do not belabor the point (don't offer critical feedback or long explanations).
Do not try to take away the pain (you're doing what is right for you, and he has a right to respond. It's not your job to make him feel better. Be firm but not cruel.).
Never say, "I'll call you," or "I'd like for us to still be friends," unless you mean it.

10. Watch what his body language is telling you.

Check out the audio summary available here.

Don't get caught with your pants down! Experts provide instructions on what you need to know fast, like how to fend off a pickup artist, how to have sex in a small space, how to deal with a cheating lover, how to remove difficult clothing, how to survive an obsessive ex, how to survive if you wake up next to someone whose name you don't remember.

Tips from the book that are presented on this site. Some examples:

How to deal with bad breath:

Chew gum or mints.
Chew on any of the following items: parsley, mint sprig, cinnamon stick, aniseed, cloves, egg shells, orange or lemon peel.
Order a salad or some fresh carrots.
Floss.
Sweep the tongue.
Brush with mouthwash.
Avoid onions and garlic during dinner.

How to deal with a bad kisser:

Slow them down.
Slowly draw away from the kiss.
Gently hold their face.
Tilt their head.
Touch your lips to theirs, saying "I love it like this."
Repeat as necessary.

Angel Meditation Cards

2012-08-30T01:22:00.001-06:00

By Sonia Cafe & Neide Innecco (2004).

1. The 64-illustrated cards each offer an affirmation and a maxim for daily meditation. The cards can serve as a source of inspiration and guidance whether you are facing an important decision, a turning point in your life or career, or if you simply wish to meditate upon a quality that you would like to see manifested in your life.

2. In the book entitled I'm off then, the author describes how one of his travel buddies distributes angel cards to folks and suggests that the card they choose is the lesson that they most need to learn. Well, Hans Peter chose the card entitled Courage, a quality which he said he was sorely lacking but needed to adopt. Whatever made him choose the card that reflected the central life lesson for him, it ended up being a source of reflection, inspiration and motivation for him. I imagine that the cards were something like the Angel Meditation cards that are illustrated below (please note: I found these illustrations on the internet).

3. I'm not so sure that angels have specific purposes or functions as presented in the cards. Having said this, we all probably have a specific lesson to learn at any given moment. Does the card that we choose or that we "come across" contain the message that we most need to hear?

4. How should these cards be used? The instruction sheet that comes with the cards suggests that individuals can use these cards in a variety of ways. For example, you can:

think about a personal problem and then select a card at random and use it to clarify the situation.
select a card in the morning and use it as a source of daily inspiration.

5. The cards can be roughly grouped according to the (positive aspects of) Big 5 personality traits.

Source
Take the Big 5 personality test here.

OPENNESS - angels of openness, adventure, inspiration, freedom, spontaneity, creativity, and education.
CONSCIENTIOUSNESS - angels of purpose, simplicity, perfection, order, obedience, responsibility, strength, and power.
EXTRAVERSION - angels of cooperation through communication, sharing, union, partnership, group consciousness, human unity, harmony.
AGREEABLENESS - angels of surrender, willingness, flexibility, release + sharing love through caring, tenderness, compassion, trust, abundance, grace, serenity, and kindness.
POSITIVE AFFECTIVITY (the opposite of neuroticism) - joy, enthusiasm, humour, delight, light, and positivity.

I find this to be rather interesting and an excellent way of summarizing the central themes of the cards.

6. But, hold your horses, there are more cards that can't be neatly placed in these categories. Instead, they appear to be virtues. Here are some examples:

Courage
Peace
Patience
Gratitude
Forgiveness
Faith
Wisdom

Now, who doesn't need at least a little bit of these?

7. The foregoing demonstrates how concepts related to character development derived from psychology and spirituality overlap.

8. There are other cards as well, but I think you get the picture.

9. Here are the top 11 cards that hold particular appeal to me (I randomly shuffled them before listing them below):

The Angel of Honesty (From the very beginning, in any situation, if you choose clarity and honesty, everybody will feel at ease with the truth and will bring congruence to your feelings and actions.)
The Angel of Adventure (Adventuring is a kind permission we give ourselves to cross the frontier between the known and the unknown.)
The Angel of Wisdom (Wisdom emerges in the heart that has opened itself.)
The Angel of Purpose (A clear purpose gives no room for doubt because we identify immediately with all that leads us toward our goal.)
The Angel of Simplicity (When we become receptive to our inner guidance, life becomes simple and clear.)
The Angel of Abundance (Abundance is not a great quantity of things, but the awareness of 'quality' within all we have.)
The Angel of Courage (To be courageous is to know that fear offers no resistance to Love.)
The Angel of Kindness (To be kind is to realize our total interdependence.)
The Angel of Peace (The more attune to peace, the more radiant our lives become.)
The Angel of Faith (When we walk in faith, the universe gives us the support we need, and we discover an inner strength that removes barriers.)
The Angel of Patience (If we allow a loving patience to come through, without expecting things to happen rapidly, we will become aware that everything we do has a real value.)

Lo and behold, eh, the lesson that I REALLY need to learn, patience, comes out last. I had to wait for it. Cool.

10. Hmmmm... How can I best release these cards? I release books (i.e., give them away) by leaving them in random places for random folks to pick up. Should I do the same thing with these cards - individually or as a pack? And, wouldn't it be presumptuous of me to hand out specific cards to individuals saying, "Ah....I think you can use a bit of this?" (Ouch...) Or, should I hand them out as in a parlour game, "Pick a card, any card" as did the travelling companion of Hans Peter? Okay, I know the answer...

If you have made your way here as a result of receiving an angel card bearing this blog's address, welcome! I hope that this blog entry has been interesting for you! (And I wonder if YOU stumbled upon a card with a message that you really needed to hear?)

buyers, renters & freeloaders: Turning Revolving-Door Romance into Lasting Love

2012-08-25T00:15:00.003-06:00

By William F. Harley, Jr. (2002)

Variously reviewed (i.e., a mix of positive and negative reviews), this book offers some food for thought. Here are 10 interesting points:

Preliminary concepts

1. Givers, takers and sacrifice

Givers - are willing to provide care unconditionally - they give until it hurts and then some, expecting nothing in return; are kind and considerate; want to make a difference in the lives of others. Their rule: "Do whatever you can to make others happy and avoid anything that makes others unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy." "Love unconditionally: Don't think of what others can do for you; think only of what you can do for others."
Takers - willing only to take, never to give; are selfish and overbearing; try to make themselves happy; self-preservation. Their rule: "Do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes you unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy." "Love yourself unconditionally. Don't be used by others; use them instead. Be sure there's always something in it for you. Get what you need in life, whether or not others want you to have it."

We are all givers and takers, but have different percentages of each in us. Both givers and takers are caring and thoughtless. Givers care for others, but are thoughtless because they don't care about their own feelings. Takers care for themselves and are thoughtless because they don't care about others' feelings. Both involve sacrifice. As long as both partners in a relationship are happy, givers are in control, but sacrifice eventually takes its toll. Since the care they provide to each other is somewhat unpleasant, it never becomes a habit for either of them. Much of what they do for each other is enjoyable for one of them but at least somewhat unpleasant for the other. As a result, very little of their care for each other develops into habits that are consistent and effortless. A relationship based on sacrifice tends to create a bad mood between partners. And when we're are in a bad mood, our Takers come to our rescue [and say to us] "You've been giving too much. Now it's time for you to do some taking." Requests that were rarely denied at the beginning of a relationship start being denied as soon as the effects of their sacrifice sink in. Requests that are now denied are turned into demands, which are usually the first step in an argument. All this to say that a relationship based on sacrifice doesn't work! If a couple wants a fulfilling relationship, neither must sacrifice for the other. Instead, their recreational activities, for example, must be mutually enjoyable.

2. Lovers, likers, dislikers, and haters

Lovers - people who like just about everything there is about you. The more they get to know you, the more attracted they tend to become."I love every little thing about you!"
Likers - people who are attracted to you, but notice a few flies in the ointment. If they're open, they'll make occasional suggestions for improvement. "You're okay."
Dislikers - people who tend to be critical of you; they find most of what you are and do to be substandard, but they're charitable enough to give you a chance to meet their standards. It's hard for these people to not be judgemental, because so much of what you do irritates them. "If only....you could really go places."
Haters - people who don't like anything about you; they can't stand being around you long enough to criticize you. "You hear nothing because these folks don't hang around."

We should look for our natural Lovers (where there's mutual attraction on the part of both people), and we shouldn't settle for Likers. By the way, lovers don't stay lovers if we don't treat them right. We can run them off when we behave in an obnoxious way (as freeloaders are wont to do).

People pleasers (who focus on others liking them) will often marry Likers or even Dislikers because they try so hard to make people like them that even their Dislikers are impressed enough by their willingness to accommodate that they consider them for marriage. But people pleasers often feel stressed from having to work so hard for something unrequited. So, it all catches up to them eventually.

Perfectionists (who try to make perfect decisions) are usually indecisive and hard to please. They tend to not be anyone's Lover for very long because they can always find a fly in the ointment. There is always something about the other person that needs to be improved. It catches up to them quickly!

3. Important personal characteristics

The author considers these to be the minimum areas of compatibility that must exist in order for a relationship to work:

Similar levels of intelligence - determine this by comparing grades in school, educational levels and/or the quality of your conversation (stimulating, depth, able to respect what the other has to say?).
Similar levels of energy - leisure time activities and sexual interest (prefer sitting around watching TV or activities that burn energy? Frequency of sex?).
Similar levels of social interest - extraversion vs. introversion; meeting people, making friends; if you have a similar reaction, either positive or negative, when you think about meeting people for the first time, you probably pass the social interest test.
Similar cultural background - sensitivities regarding holidays to be celebrated, displays of affection, and, possibly, religious practices.
Similar values - spoken and unspoken rules that help us make decisions in life; determine in advance if there are any values you would be willing to give up to please your partner. You should ensure that you share the same beliefs before marrying each other.

So, ensure that you match in all five areas. The author says that there may be differences in other areas, but these five are "must haves/dealbreakers." Otherwise, you're fighting an uphill battle.

Core concepts

A romantic relationship consists of two people in love who meet each other's emotional needs for intimacy. Thus, people are not in a truly romantic relationship unless they are in love and meet each other's needs for intimacy. Since we're wired to be in a romantic relationship, when we are not in one, we feel something's missing (even though we can rationalize the opposite to ourselves). There are three levels of care that people can give to each other in a relationship: freeloading, renting, and buying.

4. Freeloader - unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. he or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so. "It must never be hard or it is just not worth it. I do what I do because I like to do it and I never expect anything in return.I pride myself on getting through an evening without having to spend much money. I also expect her to drop any plans she may have for the evening if I were to decide to go out. I take her for granted." This person is only willing to give and receive care if it comes almost effortlessly. Believes: (a) Romantic relationships that are right for me make me happy without my having to put much effort into making my partner happy. Relationships that are wrong for me require me to do things that do not come naturally. (i.e., Romantic relationships shouldn't be work.) (b) If I am in a romantic relationship with someone who criticizes me, it is a sign that the relationship is wrong for me. It's a mistake for me to change my behavior to accommodate a critical partner. (c) A romantic relationship that is right for me requires unconditional care and acceptance. If my partner expects me to do something in return for what he or she has done for me, it's a sign that the relationship is not based on unconditional care, and, as such, is wrong for me. Freeloaders go to little or no trouble to accommodate the women they date, doing for them only what comes naturally (i.e., convenient, never going out of their way). "What you see is what you get." [My thoughts: this person makes very little effort; is focused on his/her wants and comfort. They have dates that involve just "hanging around," or that don't involve much planning, notice, effort or expense (very disrespectful!). WYSWYG - don't expect me to change or to get out of my comfort zone.] Ultimately, freeloading is narcissistic - "no expectations" - don't put yourself out; do only what you want; think of yourself. It's the lazy person's approach to relationships. They end up alone unless they learn to become renters. Also, they might marry several times, thinking that they haven't found the right person, but it's really because no one has been willing to put up with their thoughtless behavior.

Example: The couple doesn't discuss plans with each other. Each member of a couple just goes ahead and does whatever they feel like doing with no consideration for each other's feelings. She rarely knows exactly where he is, and he doesn't know her whereabouts either. They don't really care how the other one feels.

5. Renter - willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent. "I'll do anything to make you happy...for a while." They often see problems with their dates, but few (if any) problems with themselves. Renters are willing to improve their ability to care - as long as it is in their best interest to do so. Beliefs: (a) Romantic relationships require a certain amount of give and take, but it's only right for me if what I take is worth what I give. If what I take isn't worth what I give, either my partner should give me more, or I should end the relationship to find someone who will give me what I need. (Romantic relationships require care - but that's only okay if it's fair. (b) If I am in a romantic relationship with someone who criticizes me, it does not necessarily mean that my partner is wrong for me if I can make the necessary changes. But my change should be made only if what I get from my partner is worth the effort. (I'll change for you if it's worth my while.) (c) If I am in a romantic relationship and my partner expects me to sacrifice my own happiness to meet my partner's needs in return for what my partner has done for me, that's a reasonable expectation. And if I feel I am getting less than I deserve, it's reasonable for me to expect my partner to sacrifice some happiness for my fulfilment. (I'll sacrifice for you if you sacrifice for me.) They regularly evaluate how fair their relationship is, making sure that the levels of effort and sacrifice are even. If Renters believe they are giving more than they are getting, they feel justified in demanding more for themselves to balance the scales. And when their demands are unmet, it often leads to fights. Renters aren't thinking about long-term solutions to problems but rather about short-term fixes.[My thoughts: this person is looking for an exchange/quid pro quo relationship - I'll do this, if you do something for me. After a while, though, this will get tiring.] At the beginning of a relationship, renters usually sacrifice their own interests to make their partner happy.

Example: The couple discusses their plans with each other and considers how they would affect the other. But they both expect sacrifice.So when one expresses reservations about what the other is planning, the issue becomes one of who cares enough to sacrifice his or her own interests.Their thoughtfulness is inconsistent, and they are losing passion in their relationship (hurting each other instead of caring for each other).

6. Buyer - willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs. A buyer is committed to providing exclusive and permanent care in a romantic relationship and makes decisions that reflect long-term consideration of the other person's feelings and interests. Since the relationship is for life, he or she is willing to permanently change behavior to make the relationship romantic. Beliefs: (a) We are in this relationship for life, so our decisions must make both of us happy and fulfilled. We will provide each other consistent and effective care to make our relationship romantic and successful.(Consistent mutual care is NB.) (b) If either of us is critical of the other, it indicates that an adjustment of habits and lifestyle is required until the change meets the standards set by the critic. If one of us has a problem with some aspect of the relationship, we will work together to find a solution that we can both permanently adopt. (We'll adjust to each other as often as necessary.) (c) The solution to every problem in our romantic relationship should be a long-term solution that satisfies both of us. The goal of our relationship is for both of us to be happy and fulfilled with every aspect of the relationship. (We want long-term solutions that make us both happy, not short-term fixes that work for one and not the other.) [My thoughts: you probably know when you're with someone who is a buyer - they're caring and flexible.]

Additional interesting information

7. A Buyer's Rule: The Policy of Joint Agreement - Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your partner. This rule forces couples to negotiate fairly by preventing unilateral decisions. They must discuss each decision before action can be taken. The rule encourages couples to consider each other's happiness as equally important. What benefits both of them strengthens their relationship. What hurts one of them weakens their relationship.

A couple negotiates to get what they each need in marriage. Negotiations begin with the assumption that neither of them owes anything to the other, but each of them needs something from the other. Their goal is to find a way to meet each other's needs in a mutually enjoyable way. If you feel controlled in your romantic relationship, it's because you and your partner don't negotiate with each other. instead, you either sacrifice (giving whatever the other wants even when it is not in your best interest to do so) or you demand (forcing the other person to give you what you want).

The policy prevents either of your from making unilateral decisions about anything, so you must discuss every decision you make before action can be taken. it forces you to be considerate. Once the question "How do you feel about what I would like to do?" is asked, if the reaction is not enthusiastic, you have the choice of either abandoning the entire idea or trying to discover alternative ways of making it possible. And that's where negotiation begins.

Guidelines for negotiation:
(a) Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe. Examples:

Try to be pleasant and cheerful throughout negotiations.
Put safety first. Don't make demands, show disrespect, or become angry when you negotiate, even if your partner makes demands, shows disrespect, or becomes angry with you.
If you reach an impasse and don't seem to be getting anywhere, or if one of you is staring to make demands, show disrespect, or become angry, stop negotiating and come back to the issue later.

(b) Identify the problem from both perspectives. Respect is the key to success. Avoid trying to straighten each other out. Ask each other questions to gain fuller understanding of what it would take to make each other happy.
(c) Brainstorm with abandon - look for solutions that you think will make you both happy. Try to think like your partner's Taker thinks. Resist the I'll let you do what you want this time if you let me do what I want next time solution. That's the Renter's solution that encourages you to alternate sacrificing for each other. The solution should be a win-win one - where neither of you suffers and both of you are happy.
(d) Choose the solution for which you have mutual and enthusiastic agreement. Instead of considering options that clearly are not in your partner's best interest, you reject them immediately and begin to think of options you know would make both you and your partner happy.

Negotiation can be an enjoyable way to learn about each other. You should practice negotiating successfully on less important things, so that you build skill and confidence in your ability to negotiate.

8. Stages/process/sequence of a relationship.

(Note: although each of the following elements are suggested by the author, I placed them in a sequence.)

Make yourself more physically attractive (lose weight, dress better, improve hygiene).
Find a mutual Lover, someone to whom you can say "I love every little thing about you!" and who would say the same to you. Don't settle for less than this!). There should be a mutual sense of attraction.
Ensure that you match on the five characteristics.
Improve your communication skills (have a balanced conversation - don't do all the talking or listening, don't interrupt, don't be argumentative, don't be disrespectful), figure out what makes the other person happy and unhappy (most enjoyable memories and most dreadful experiences). The answers will help you learn what they could do to make the person happy and avoid making the person unhappy.
Recognize when you're dealing with a freeloader. Signs: little effort, continues with his normal routine with no consideration for you, may be cheapskate, dates may involve little effort (hanging around at each other's place), accept me as I am attitude, never goes out of his way or comfort zone, very independent, focuses on himself. Avoid getting into a romantic relationship with this type of person.Relationships between freeloaders tend to die quickly because the two people avoid conflict, resist change, and often aren't willing to commit care to each other. Freeloaders and buyers rarely get together in new relationships, but if they do, the buyer is likely to get seriously burned. The freeloader is likely to cheat on the buyer early in the relationship.Simple neglect can also make this relationship impossible for the buyer. Freeloaders live their lives as if the buyer doesn't even exist. To freeloaders, their relationship is not a priority.
If you have found a renter, see if there is potential for him to become a buyer. Signs of a renter cum buyer: give and take, some effort to make personal changes, generosity (less focus on quid pro quo - what have you done for me lately?), adopts win-win approach in other relationships, will make decisions with you, consistently thoughtful, when there's a disagreement, will work towards a solution that you're both happy about, kindness. If you have a potential buyer on your hands, stick with him, but don't stay in a rental relationship for too long.Renters are okay for a while, but they run into problems when their short-sighted, self-sacrificing approach to problem solving breeds resentment. Renter agreements are a temporary stage in many relationships, but, if they last too long and don't move to buying, the relationships turn "ugly." Renters are always looking for something better, and their expectations of each other tend to increase the longer the relationship lasts. Eventually, instead of giving each other anything that's desired, they begin limited their care for each other, because they feel the other person is not meeting their standards. And they start making demands, showing disrespect, and becoming angry when they do not get what they think is fair. In other words, the beginning of a renters' relationship is usually okay, but the romance drops off over time. Renters and buyers don't talk the same language. Renters believe in temporary relationships (vs. permanent for buyers), fair/balanced (vs. both contributing to relationship success), as needs change the relationship may end (make adjustments to meet needs), criticism may prompt change if it's worth my while (indicates a need for change), sacrifice is reasonable (dangerous), short-term fixes are fine (longer-term solutions are needed). If there is one buyer in a relationship, his or her mature outlook can set an example for a renter.
Take note of what happens when there's a conflict. When a conflict arises, the freeloader refuses to do much to resolve it; the renter is willing to make tentative changes to resolve conflicts, usually short-term efforts that involve personal sacrifice; the buyer views conflicts with a long-term perspective. One decisions that have mutual advantage (i.e., win-win) can create long-term resolutions to conflicts. Freeloaders don't even try to accommodate each other, and buyers would rather negotiate than argue. If you and your partner tend to argue, you must be renters. renters respond to crisis (ex. when needs aren't met) by making demands, showing disrespect, and losing their temper.
Get married; don't live together without being married (see below). A person should never marry a freeloader; and renters should become buyers when they marry, since freeloaders and renters cannot create a lasting romantic relationship (it may seem romantic at first, but the romance disappears). Couples whose marriages are in trouble have at least one renter or even a freeloader (i.e., both are not buyers).

9. Living together before marriage

This chapter, much more than others, is strongly based on research. Research shows rather clearly that relationships in which people have lived together before marriage have an extremely high rate of divorce. "The risk of divorce for couples who lived together before marriage is 80 percent higher than the risk of divorce for non-cohabitating couples."

People often live together instead of getting married because they're not yet ready to make an exclusive and permanent commitment. They are testing each other to see if they are compatible. The commitment of living together is a tentative agreement: "As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around." It's a renter's agreement. You assume that your renter's agreement will provide a valid test of how you will feel about each other, and how you will treat each other, when you are married. gut that's only a valid assumption if you are willing to continue suing your renter's agreement after marriage. Under that agreement if the conditions are not right, either of you can leave, marriage or no marriage.

The real commitment of marriage is not a commitment to stay regardless of how you are treated. It's a commitment to care for each other regardless of the circumstances you find yourselves in. It's not about just sticking around. It's about loving and cherishing, especially under adverse conditions. Marriage means that each spouse is committed to make a greater effort to care for each other than they were making before marriage, a greater effort to meet each other's intimate needs. Couples who live together assume that they can get away with doing less; they tend to relax with the assumption that their spouse will put up with them, regardless of what they do. They believe that they don't need to do much to keep their spouse around after he or she makes that commitment.

Couples who live together before marriage can get into the habit of following their month-to-month rental agreement. When a problem arises, they don't usually consider long-term solutions. Instead, they regularly rely on short-term solutions that involve sacrifice on the part of at least one partner. In other words, they look for solutions that make one person sacrifice for the happiness of the other. As soon as life becomes complicated, short-term strategies create long-term frustration and suffering.

Those who wait until after marriage to live together tend to be buyers. They have not lived together under the terms of the month-to-month rental agreement. So they usually begin their life together with the assumption that they are there to make each other happy permanently, and their willingness and ability to change their habits to accommodate each other usually reflects that commitment. They try to find win-win solutions to their problems.They want to build compatibility, not test it.

10. Romantic Relationships Attitudes Questionnaire

The author suggests that you and your partner each complete the following questionnaire to get some insight on how you're approaching your relationship. He reminds readers to answer questions honestly, then have an honest discussion ("lay your cards on the table"). Here is it (since the author himself recommends making copies).

The author also suggests that individuals in a relationship complete a Personal History Questionnaire and share the responses. I won't present that here, but here are some categories that are addressed:

Health history (injuries, operations, medical problems, sleep, diet, exercise, drugs, venereal disease)
Family history (mother/parents - demographic information, relationship with you, each other, your siblings, alcoholism, violence)
Educational history (schools attended, significant experiences, grades, major, future educational plans)
Vocational history (jobs held, salaries, likes and dislikes, absenteeism, relationships with others, ambitions, childhood and current interests and hobbies)
Religious history (religion, beliefs, influence of beliefs on daily life, activities, changes over time)
Opposite sex relationship history (list and describe all such relationships, sexual relationship)
Sexual history (when learned about sex, attitudes, first experience, most important experiences, partners, relationship with married person or person of same sex)
Personal assessment (fears, faults, good characteristics)
Thoughts and feelings (loneliness, suicide, faint, panic, failure, sadness, low self-esteem, sleep disturbance, headaches, anger, mood swings, abuse, financial problems, career problems)
Goals for personal improvement (reduce drinking, smoking, eating, gambling; increase exercising, etc.)

To Heaven and Back: A Doctor's Extraordinary Account of Her Death, Heaven, Angels, and Life Again: A True Story

2012-08-23T02:15:00.000-06:00

By Mary C. Neal M.D. (2012)

The author comes across as an analytical person with a great deal of depth who is reporting her experience as factually as possible. Sometimes, books on near death experiences and heaven (or "the afterlife") can be airy fairy, but this is not the case with this book. I won't be discussing what happened to her since these descriptions are presented in the video and the book description below. Finding "only" 10 interesting points was difficult, but here they are:

1. Things fall into place when we're following God's will. [The ease of planning her trip was an example] "of how easily things come together when one is moving in the direction of God's will...When everything seems difficult and feels as though you are swimming upstream, it is usually because you are not following the direction of God's will. When you are doing God's will, everything seems to happen without much effort or many obstacles...We are conditioned to see each of the events [in our lives] in isolation, and to think of them as 'coincidental' or 'lucky.' When you consider the entire sequence of events, however, it is difficult to discount the possibility of it being miraculous....If a person can let go of the earthly logistics of life, live in faith, and give control to God, great things can happen and the supernatural can occur. Without God, our options are limited....As I consider the story of my life, I recognize that each of my experiences has prepared me for the next one. There is a divine sequence and order to my life, and this sequence prepared me for my greatest challenge to date: the death of my son."

2. God waits for us to ask for His help. (Ask and you shall receive.) "He sits in the back seat just waiting for our invitation to move up to the front so that He can steer and press the pedals., If we give him the car keys, He will take us on an unbelievable ride....Each of us is a special and valued child of God...The more we love, the more love we have to offer. So it is with God's love for us. It is inexhaustible. God definitely knows each one of us. I mean 'know' in an absolute, complete, and pure sense."

3. At the moment of the author's death...

"I asked only that His will be done. At the very moment I turned to Him, I was overcome with an absolute feeling of calm, peace, and of the very physical sensation of being held in someone's arms while being stroked and comforted...I also experienced an absolute certainty that everything would be okay, regardless of the outcome.....
While my body was being slowly sucked out of the boat, I felt as though my soul was slowly peeling itself away from my body....I felt a 'pop.' It felt as if I had finally shaken off my heavy outer layer, freeing my soul.
I rose up and out of the river, and when my soul broke through the surface of the water, I encountered a group of 15 to 20 souls (human spirits sent by God), who greeted me with the most overwhelming joy I have ever experienced and could ever imagine....I knew each of them well, knew they were from God, and knew that I had known them for an eternity....They were sent to guide me across the divide of time and dimension that separates our world from God's....
My companions and I began to glide along a path, and I knew that I was going home....We were travelling down a path that led to a great and brilliant [and colourful] hall, larger and more beautiful than anything I can conceive of seeing on earth....I felt my soul being pulled toward the entry and, as I approached, I physically absorbed its radiance and felt the pure, complete, and utterly unconditional absolute love that emanated from the hall...
It represented the last branch point of life, the gate through which each human being must pass. It was clear that this hall is the place where each of us is given the opportunity to review our lives and our choices, and where we are each given a final opportunity to choose God or to turn away - for eternity...
Before we could go inside, however, an oppressive feeling of grief and sadness descended upon my spiritual companions and the atmosphere became heavy. They turned to me and explained that it was not my time to enter the hall; I had not completed my journey on earth, had more work to do, and must return to my body....I sat down in my body....lay down and was reunited with my body."

4. When she was recovering, her vision was blurry, and the only thing that she could she clearly were the following three passages in the Bible:

Rejoice always. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16 (even in difficult circumstances!)

Pray without ceasing. - 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (maintain an open line of communication, listen for His guidance)

Give thanks in all circumstances. - 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (live a life of gratitude)

5. What an angel told her (while sitting on a rock in a sun-drenched field) :

"We are each given the opportunity and privilege to come to earth for different reasons. Sometimes we come in order that we may personally develop and strengthen the fruits of our spirit: those of love, kindness, patience, joy, peace, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Sometimes we come to help someone else develop the fruits of the spirit."
"In preparation for our journey to earth, we are able to make a basic outline for our life...God creates it, then we review it and discuss it with our 'personal planning' angel. Within the algorithm are written branch points in our lives at which times we may exist, returning to God, or we may be redirected to a different task and goal. We may be directed to these branch points by own own conscious choice and by our circumstances, or we may be pushed along by angelic intervention."
"Have you ever shown up somewhere at 'just the right time'?...Have you ever been randomly thinking of someone who then unexpectedly shows up or contacts you?....Consider whether these are sets of 'coincidences' or whether they might be orchestrated events; evidence of God's hand in our lives....There are angels all around us every day of our lives. ...[Angels] are orchestrating the 'coincidences' that occur so commonly in our lives....Angels often expose us to, or push us into, a situation that will force our redirection. Of course, our redirection is not really forced; rather, as we are compelled to approach the fork in our road, we make a choice to turn left or turn right. Every choice leads us forward, and there is not going backward, no 'redo.' Every choice we make today affects the choices that we face tomorrow."
"Without personal trials, we would not develop patience or faithfulness...Change rarely comes without difficulty and challenge. Sometimes uncomfortable situations or irritating people are placed in our lives to lead use in a direction more in line with God's will....The exercise of praying for others...can lead to dramatic results and to greater peace and contentment."
"Each of us is like a small piece of thread that contributes to the weaving of a very large and very beautiful tapestry. We, as single threads, spend our lives worrying about our thread...The complete tapestry is far too larger for us to see ... or for us to appreciate the importance of our single thread. Without our individual contribution, the tapestry would be incomplete and broken. We should, therefore, recognize and take joy in our contribution. Indeed, our threads - our lives - are important; what we do and the choices we make, even the seemingly small ones, actually make a difference."
"God's messengers are everywhere and come to us in the forms that we can and will accept. That may mean a great grey owl or other sort of creature to one person, and a human being to another... There are angels all around us and we each have 'personal' angels who watch over us all day, every day. They help us, nudge us, and guide us in all sorts of little ways that we usually don't notice. Sometimes they push us forward and sometimes they pull us backward. Always, they want very much for us to follow the path that has been laid out for us by God."

6. She believes that very young children still remember heaven. Referring to her 1 1/2 year old son, "I believe he still remembered God's world, which seemed to give him an understanding of the spiritual aspect of my experience and what I was going through...I believe they easily recall the images, knowledge, and the love of the world they inhabited before their birth. I believe children may still be able to see angles...As young children become more engaged with the world, their memories fade and they begin their personal journey, often filled with detours and dead-ends, of finding their way back to God. Ultimately, they must not only find God, but must freely choose to accept God's love and direction....Each person can choose God or reject God but cannot choose to do both simultaneously.."

7. She believes that "the departure of the soul defines and determines the moment of death, rather than the body's physical death determining the moment of the soul's departure....The organism that is our human body may continue to physically function and appear to be 'alive,' but unless God sees a purpose to return the soul to its body, the person is essentially dead."

8. "God sends us to earth with a deeply-rooted desire to seek meaning and spirituality, and until we satisfy this desire, we experience a void in our souls. Some people fill this void with God, some fill it with material possession or other worldly desires, and some try not to feel this void be deadening their senses with drugs or alcohol."

9. Her daily creed:

I believe God's promises are true: God promises not to leave us nor forsake us. God promises to open the door when we knock, and to always welcome us back into his love, no matter how far we have strayed.
I believe heaven is real.
I believe nothing can separate me from God's love.
I believe God has work for me to do.
I believe God will see me through and carry me when I cannot walk: There are many cycles in a person's life, and everyone experiences hurt, worry, disappointment, grief, and other difficulties. It has been said that one cannot truly appreciate joy without also experiencing sorrow.

10. We should keep a journal of 'coincidence.'
"We live our lives in forward motion, but only understand them when looking backward. [To understand the connection between events, you can] keep a six- to twelve-month journal of coincidence. In that journal, write down the details of every 'coincidence' you experience.

In one column, Write the details of each major event in your life...what are/were the circumstances surrounding your acceptance into college, meeting your significant other, finding your job, choosing where you live, and so on. Note every time the arrangements easily fall into place.
Similarly, every time, you struggle with a situation write down the eventual outcome. Write down the 'bad' things that happen to you or others and, in an adjacent column, list what happens as a direct or indirect result of these bad things.
I believe that when you look back through your journal at the end of your exercise, you will clearly see how many of people, events, decisions, and outcomes are interconnected. I think you will see a pattern of linkage that cannot be attributed to statistical chance. You will see evidence of God's work in your life, giving assurance that God has a plan for your life. You will begin to recognize coincidental events for the miracles they really are, and you will know that God is with you even in times of sorrow, loneliness, or other misfortune.

Some nice quotations

Robert Kennedy

"It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance."

Charles W. Gerdts

"When I look into your eyes, I know there is God. Human compassion and the capacity to love are not the result of mere chance."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

"There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies."

Josh Billings

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

Henry Drummond

“You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.”
“There is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving.”
“The people who influence you are the people who believe in you.”
“Wherever we are, it is our friends that make our world.”

Roy Croft

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

Maya Angelou

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Heaven And Back video located here

By Mary C. Neal

One lesson I learned after I drowned on a South American river was that to face life's challenges with gratitude and joy, a person must first lose his or her faith.

I am an experienced kayaker, but when I crested the top of a moderate waterfall while kayaking the Fuy River, I saw no clean exit to the tremendous turbulence at its bottom. I pragmatically assumed I would tip over at the bottom, then exit my boat and be briefly tossed about in the turbulence before surfacing and swimming downstream.

When my boat struck the bottom with a thud, I was immediately submerged. As a spine surgeon, I am familiar and comfortable with stressful situations. I remained calm as I sequentially went through the steps to extricate myself: detaching my spray skirt (neoprene fabric that keeps water out of the boat by stretching between the kayaker's waist and the boat's cockpit rim), pushing myself out of the boat with my feet, and trying to free the boat by rocking back and forth. I had no air, was too far from shore for anyone to reach me and my self-rescue was prevented by the flowing water flattening my torso against the front deck of my boat. After a lifetime of fearing a drowning death, the irony of my predicament almost made me chuckle.
Like 92 percent of Americans at that time, I believed in God. I attended Sunday school as a child and accepted Christ as my savior as a teenager. My moderate faith in religious truths easily faded into the background of my busy life when I left for college, but I called to God on the river, asking only that His will be done.

I was immediately overcome with a physical sensation of being held, comforted, and reassured that everything would be fine regardless of whether I lived or died. I was presented with a short review of my life, emphasizing the unseen ripple effects of particular events rather than the event itself. The scientific, analytical and skeptical part of my brain observed this with interest and curiosity. I was acutely aware of my situation; I knew I had been underwater too long to be alive but also knew that this experience did not have the quality of a dream or hallucination, was not the result of a dying brain and could not have been created by my limited imagination.

My legs bent backward on themselves as the current slowly pulled my body downstream over the front deck of my boat but I felt no pain as they were breaking. My spirit peeled away from my discarded body and as I rose up and out of the river, I was joyously greeted by a group of old friends. I watched my body be pulled to the riverbank and as CPR was initiated, I was guided down a path to a domed building that not only exuded a brilliance of color and beauty, but also exploded with the pure, complete and unconditional love of God. I felt like I was finally home. Despite my protests, I was eventually returned to my body with words of encouragement and instruction regarding my future.

I was hospitalized for many weeks after my drowning, underwent many surgeries on my broken legs and suffered the losses of both my father and stepfather. I struggled to reconcile my understanding of medical science with the reality of my experience. I analyzed the experiences, reviewed my medical records and corroborated events with others. I listened to the stories of my patients who cautiously asked to share with me their own experience of Godly intervention. I struggled with the instructions I had been given, especially as they related to the future death of my son.

I lost my faith; it was transformed into a complete trust in the promises of God. This changed me as a person and as a doctor. Trusting that God loves us unconditionally, that spiritual life is eternal and that He as a beautiful plan for each of us, allowed me to face struggles with gratitude and joy. Each event, neither good nor bad, is like a small thread woven together with others to create a glorious tapestry of God's design. I do not fear death. I am more tolerant of other people's actions. I observe the world with an open heart.
I have not discarded the truth of scientific discovery nor discount its value to society, but the boundaries between God and medicine have been forever shattered. I pray for my patients. I help them perceive a beautiful opportunity for growth in an otherwise dire situation.

Spiritual curiosity while experiencing the presence of God in one's life transforms faith into the trust that provides confidence to face life's most difficult challenges.

Book Description

A kayak accident during a South American adventure takes one woman to heaven — where she experienced God’s peace, joy, and angels — and back to life again.

In 1999 in the Los Rios region of southern Chile, orthopedic surgeon, devoted wife, and loving mother Dr. Mary Neal drowned in a kayak accident. While cascading down a waterfall, her kayak became pinned at the bottom and she was immediately and completely submerged. Despite the rescue efforts of her companions, Mary was underwater for too long, and as a result, died.

To Heaven and Back is Mary’s remarkable story of her life’s spiritual journey and what happened as she moved from life to death to eternal life, and back again. Detailing her feelings and surroundings in heaven, her communication with angels, and her deep sense of sadness when she realized it wasn’t her time, Mary shares the captivating experience of her modern-day miracle.

Mary’s life has been forever changed by her newfound understanding of her purpose on earth, her awareness of God, her closer relationship with Jesus, and her personal spiritual journey suddenly enhanced by a first-hand experience in heaven. To Heaven and Back will reacquaint you with the hope, wonder, and promise of heaven, while enriching you own faith and walk with God.

Amazon.com Review

Featured Guest Review: Q&A with Mary C. Neal, M.D.

Q. How did you feel when you died? Did you know what was happening?
A. I was acutely aware of everything that was happening. I knew that my efforts to exit the boat were not working, that I was out of air, and that I was too far from the riverbank for anyone to reach me. I knew that I would probably die. Having grown up with a fear of drowning, I was surprised to find my transition from life to death was seamless, peaceful, and beautiful. I felt quite wonderful.

Q. What was your faith life like before your death?
A. Before my near-death-experience, I believed in God and took my kids to Sunday school but was not particularly religious. Like many accomplished young adults, I felt like I was in control of my life and my future. Although I tried to be a "good" and "moral" person, my faith was not integrated into my daily life and the demands of work and family left little time to think about spirituality.
With my near-death-experience, the truth of God's promises and the reality of eternal life became a part of my every breath. I am in constant prayer and regardless of what I am doing, I try to reflect God's love and live for His glory. I try not to miss opportunities to uplift or encourage the spiritual life of others, and I live with gratitude and joy, knowing that I never face challenges alone.

Q. Why do you think you came back to life?
A. I certainly didn't want to return to Earth, but was given information about some of the work I had yet to complete and wasn't really given a choice. I was expected to share my experiences and my story with others, helping transform their faith into compete trust that God keeps His promises.

Q. Do you have any regrets about this experience?
A. I have not a hint of regret. In fact, my death and return to life is the greatest gift I have ever received, and I am continually grateful for having had this experience.

Q. How do you explain why this happened to you?
A. I have always been a private person, am not known to be a writer, and do not relish the attention of speaking. I have been asked this question many times. I do not know the answer, but I am a scientist by training, a skeptic by nature, and a very concrete, rational thinker. Perhaps, I was given this job because I have a developed a lifetime of credibility.

Q. How is your experience compared to others who've gone to heaven and come back to physical life?
A. I have not read many accounts of other people's experiences, but I have had many patients over the years tell me about their own near-death experiences. It seems that most stories, mine included, contain some consistent elements--that of an overwhelming sense of God's love and forgiveness, intense peace and beauty and no desire to return to Earth. Everyone recalls the details with precision and each person is profoundly affected by the experience. In these ways, my experience is quite similar.

Q. What do you want people to know about heaven?
A. God's unconditional love for each of us is intense, complete, and is reflected in all of Heaven. Before we return to Heaven, our real home, we have an incredible opportunity on Earth to face challenges that will help us learn, grow and to become more Christ-like in the fruits of our spirit. Our time is so short that we need to be about God's business every day.

What The Psychic Told The Pilgrim: A Midlife Misadventure on Spain's Camino de Santiago de Compostela

2012-08-22T18:50:00.002-06:00

By Jane Christmas (2007)

10 points:

1. A quick summary of the differences and similarities between this book and "I'm off then," both of which cover the same ground, so to speak:

Whereas Hans Peter travelled in 2001, Jane Christmas travelled in 2004. So the latter book is somewhat more updated, but there may still be improvements to the paths/accommodations that aren't reflected in the two books.
Whereas the chapter titles in Hans Peter's book are the names of the communities along the way, the chapter titles in Jane Christmas' book are, well, there are no titles. This makes it a bit harder to follow. As well, in the latter book, there are entire segments of the trip that appear to be missing. Although the author describes some historical aspects of the some of the locations (in the manner that one would see on wikipedia), Hans Peter provides, in my mind, a more personal, concrete and detailed description of what a traveller would find at each location.
It's interesting to see that both authors end up travelling with a small handful of people and encountering the same group of people along the way (i.e., everyone who starts the trek at the same time often stop at the same points along the way). Hans Peter set out to do the trek by himself, but found some great (female) companionship along the way. Jane Christmas set out to travel with 14 women, all middle-aged, but there were so many squabbles (bitching, complaining...you name it) along the way that they parted ways. She ended up in Santiago, having travelled the last leg with "Colin," a man with whom she developed a romantic relationship after the trip.
Both authors were hurting: (a) physically, despite differences in their training to do the trek (Jane Christmas trained extensively); (b) socially - at times they were lonely, at other times they wanted solitude; (c) emotionally - both felt the ups and downs of the trek; and (d) spiritually, both came across as being 'empty' or 'distant' at the start, but came to have a relationship with God.
Neither took on the journey with a very specific outcome in mind, but both felt that this was a trip of a lifetime and that it had taught them some great lessons about themselves, people and life. Despite their being very different people, both had similar experiences along the way (see #4).
Neither book is funny (wickedly or otherwise, despite the reviews!), but both contain some elements of clever writing.

2. Supplies

Although a list of supplies wasn't provided, here's what the author brought with her (based on what she said in various parts of the book): (1) Campsuds (shampoo, body soap, and laundry detergent), (2) camisole and pajama bottoms (which she later realized were not useful), (3) dollar store gloves (useful!); (4) kleenex; (5) fleece jacket; (6) passport, money pouch, pilgrim passport, maps, diary, pen with built-in light; (7) small bottle of Vitabath gel (Spring Green scent); (8) plastic water pack with hose (colossal waste of money); (9) camera; (10) a few tabs of morphine (from her mother); (11) Mountain Equipment Co-op clothing; (12) quick-dry towel; (13) CoolMax quick-dry socks; (14) lipstick; (15) Vaseline. Altogether, her stuff weighed 20 pounds. She didn't wear makeup or lipstick (except once). She didn't bring a rain poncho, but she regretted it. Brigitte (from France) brought: a pair of light cotton pants, 2 light cotton t-shirts, a pair of socks, briefs and bra, hairbrush, plastic bag with toothbrush and toothpaste, nail scissors, tweezers, leather sandals (too heavy), 4 samples of foot cream, sleeping bag (600 grams or 1 1/2 pounds), light rain jacket and rain pants, bath towel, old sweatshirt, waist bag (papers, money, knife, pen, paper).

3. How to travel there and back

The author flew to Paris, flew to Biaritz (France), and then took a taxi to St. Jean (all on April 30, 2004).

She started her trek on May 1, 2004. She said that she arrived in Santiago three weeks later on Ascension Day weekend (May 20th, 2004). From there she took the train to Porto, Portugal and then flew home.

4. Why do the trek?

Reasons supplied by various folks: (a) "I craved: spiritual, challenging, unstructured, nomadic, something that would quiet the mind, give me a little quality time with God, and let my gypsy spirit out for a run;" (b) "a form of penance, an expression of gratitude, or a way of coming to terms with a vexing problem....to spice up a mundane life with an adventure...paring life down to its basic form;" (c) "adventure tourism;" (d) [alienated employees] hoping "to reclaim their self-respect and their integrity."

5. Difficult sections of the route

Between St-Jean and Roncesvalles (steep, snowing, treacherous, unrelenting; "torture...hell" "Had one of us perished, it would not have surprised me. We were in over our heads.")
Redecilla ("shithole")
Between Ponferrada and Villofranca (walking along a highway)
O Cebreiro (getting to it was "hell," and, once there, there were no beds available)

This list can be cross-referenced with Hans Peter's list, but it should be noted that the author took the bus on a number of occasions. So, there may be additional difficult sections of the route that she didn't experience.

6. Great places to visit

Alto de Santa Maria de Erreniega (view of windmills)
Estella (cute community)
Ponferrada, especially the Castillo de los Templarios and the parador.

7. Handy tips

Start at Roncesvalles (or even Pamplona) (by taking a bus or train from Madrid).
Her travelling colleagues seemed to take taxis between towns fairly often, so they must be reasonably priced.
At 25 km/day, it's doable in a month; but the author walked more than 25 km/day and/or took a bus on a number of occasions, which reduced the length of the trip to three weeks.
Slather feet with Vaseline in the morning and you won't have blisters.
Taking small steps makes it easily to climb a hill.

8. Reflections

"The Camino is ... a metaphorical journey through your lifetime."
"You are part tourist, part pilgrim, but every step taken is an incremental shift away from the life you know, moving toward a parallel universe where the material world is of no consequence, where you put your trust in miracles, not in MasterCard."
"If you hold [a stone] in your hand, it will absorb all the sorrow and grief you want to load into it. Stones can take it; that's why they are so hard. When you have finished depositing sorrow into your stone, you place it back on the path, effectively leaving your or someone's else's sorrow on the Camino."
"The days were for walking, for contemplation, and for pain; the evenings were for drinking and socializing."
"Walking releases two things: endorphins and conversation. It is exercise and therapy rolled into one. Words, thoughts, and ideas bubble up form the depth of your soul. There's something about walking and talking side by side that makes conversations more candid than they would be face-to-face. What you have to say isn't influenced by your walking partner's facial reaction."
"The world looks different when you approach it on foot...When you are on foot, an intuitive calm reassures you that everything is reachable if you simply take the time to walk to it."
"The burden one carried along the Camino was a metaphor for one's emotional baggage, and part of the experience was to learn how to bear it."
"If nothing else, nearly two weeks on the Camino had taught me that my lot in life, all things considered, was far easier than that of other people. Stop complaining, stop searching for something better, stop mourning lost relationships."
"....what it truly takes to survive a pilgrimage: companionships and a guiltless sense of fun."
"Touring castles and cathedrals is a pleasant diversion, but once that's over the reality and rigor of the Camino creep back into your psyche. You constantly think about quitting and going home. That single issue gets debated and rehashed by every pilgrim."
"A pilgrimage is not about punishment but about making an intentional decision to look at the world with fresh awareness and to consider your place in it. A pilgrim defines her own pilgrimage; maps are guidelines, not prison sentences."
"Pilgrimages aren't races; if anything, they were meant to teach you to stop, observe, and reflect."
"It's not the journey that's important, it's the company that you keep."

9. God - She prayed regularly to God. Also, along the way, when she asked "for something," she received it.

10. Never take the trip with a large group and expect or hope that the group will stay together. People walk at a different pace and have different levels of fitness. Plan how to handle this in advance. For example, agree to meet at certain checkpoints (major stops along the way). Since the point from Sarria onward must be walked (in order to receive the certificate), perhaps that segment could be walked together.

Book Description

In this wickedly funny account, Jane Christmas describes her pilgrimage along Spain's infamous Camino de Santiago de Compostela in celebration of her fiftieth birthday. Somehow she finds herself leading fourteen squabbling middle-aged women -- until she inadvertently loses them and sets out on her own. That is when her real adventure begins, as she battles loneliness, hunger, and exhaustion.

But she also encounters charming villages, thickly forested vales, and more compatible pilgrims, including an enigmatic fair-haired man, whose appearance has been predicted by a psychic. By journey's end, Christmas has discovered that it is the detours of life that leads us to our heart's desire.

Bernard of Clairvaux: Selected Works

2012-08-21T23:45:00.000-06:00

By Bernard de Clairvaux

Book Description

Born in Fontaines-a-Dijon in 1090, Bernard had become, by his twenty-fifth birthday, the abbot of a Cistercian monastery which he had founded in the valley of Clairvaux near Aube, France, some four years earlier. There in those isolated and rugged surroundings he became the spokesman for a revival of monastic life in an age when the radical spirit of religious life was endangered by a movement, best seen in the excesses of the monks of Cluny, that stressed the adaptation of the rule of St. Benedict to the exigencies-and taste for princely comforts-of the royal courts of twelfth-century France.

But Bernard's dedication to the strict observance of Benedict's rule was mingled not with the abrasive, shrill style of the prophet but with a sweetness and purity of vision that earned him the title Doctor mellifluous. For he possessed a sense of the love of God, the importance of humility, and the sheer beauty of holiness that has made his writings favorites of scholars and laymen alike throughout the ages. Here in a new translation by G.R. Evans are the writings that have had such a major role in shaping the Western monastic tradition and influencing the development of catholic mystical theology. Together with an introduction by the master of Bernard studies, Jean Leclercq, they comprise a volume that occupies a place of special importance in the chronicle of the history of the Western spiritual adventure.

Bernard of Clairvaux’s Steps of Pride

“The same steps lead up to the throne and down; the same road leads to the city and from it; one door is the entrance of the house and the exit; Jacob saw the angels ascending and descending on the same ladder [GN 28:12] What does this all mean? Simply that if you desire to return to truth [humility], you do not have to seek a new way which you know not, but the known way by which you descended. Retracing your own path, you may ascend in humility by the same steps which you descended in pride…when these steps of pride are discovered or rather remembered in yourself, there is no difficulty in finding the way of humility.”
``…there are twelve steps of humility…fear of the Lord, ignoring desire, submission to a superior, perfect obedience, complete confession, admission of your inferiority, conventionality, silence, gravity, restrained speech and downcast eyes. The first step is that fear of the Lord which makes a man attentive to his own peril; the last is that perfect introversion which prevents him even looking at external things.”

The steps to humility are the antidote to the steps to pride. One step leads to the next.

Steps of Pride

1. Curiosity about what is not one's proper concern

2. Light mindedness: chatter and exclamation about things which do not matter

3. Laughing about nothing; foolish merriment

4. Boasting and talking too much

5. Trying to be different: claiming special rights

6. Thinking oneself holier than others

7. Interfering presumptuously with the affairs of others

8. Self-justification: defending one's sinful actions

9. Insincere confession

10. Rebelling against superiors

11. Feeling free to sin

12. Habitual sinning

Steps of Humility

12. Containment of one's interests, which shows itself in a humble bearing and lowered eyes

11. Quiet and restrained speech

10. Reluctance to laugh

9. Keeping silent unless asked to speak

8. Regarding oneself as having no special rights in the community

7. Thinking oneself less holy than the others

6. Thinking oneself unworthy to take initiative

5. Confessing one's sins

4. Patience in the face of accusation

3. Submission to superiors

2. Desiring no freedom to exercise one's will

1. Constant watchfulness against sin

An Interesting Exercise

Print the note card with Benedicts’ as well as Bernards’ 12 steps to humility and keep them in a place you see every day. Every month or every week, focus on a step of humility and think of practical, explicit ways to exercise that particular aspect of humility. Keep some notes or a journal about your experience. Focus on writing down what you feel as you go through the various steps.

The Rule of Saint Benedict

2012-08-21T23:33:00.000-06:00

By Saint Benedict (some time during the 6th century)

Description

The Rule of St. Benedict was written in the sixth century by the father of monastic life, St Benedict himself. It towers in the great tradition of Christian Monasticism. Its leading characteristics are its wonderful discretion, moderation, and keen insight into the capabilities and weaknesses of human nature. Here is a common sense approach to arranging life so that Christian spirituality and virtue can be lived out in any community settings - monastic or familial.

Disciplines of humility

A monk ascends the ladder of humility degree by degree for 12 degrees. The 12 disciplines do not themselves make the monk humble; they merely provide the outward form into which God can pour humility. A monk should:

1. Always have the fear of God before his eyes.

2. Love God`s will more than his own.

3. Subject himself obediently to a superior.

4. Accept distasteful duties with patience.

5. Confess his failures completely.

6. Be content with little.

7. Believe and declare to others that he has not worth apart from God.

8. Do nothing that is not approved by the religious community.

9. Discipline himself through silence.

10. Be restrained in demeanour.

11. Engage only in sober thought.

12. Be not only humble of heart, but let others know he is sinful.

For a copy of the entire book, click here.

Outline

The Prologue
Chapter 1: On the Kinds of Monks
Chapter 2: What Kind of Person the Abbess Ought to Be
Chapter 3: On Calling the Brethren for Counsel
Chapter 4: What Are the Instruments of Good Works
Chapter 5: On Obedience
Chapter 6: On the Spirit of Silence
Chapter 7: On Humility
Chapter 8: On the Divine Office During the Night
Chapter 9: How Many Psalms Are to Be Said at the Night
Chapter 10: How the Night Office Is to Be Said in Summer Time
Chapter 11: How the Night Office Is to Be Said on Sundays
Chapter 12: How the Morning Office is to Be Said
Chapter 13: How the Morning Office to Be Said on Weekdays
Chapter 14: How the Night Office Is to Be Said on the Feasts of the Saints
Chapter 15: At What Times "Alleluia" Is to Be Said
Chapter 16: How the Work of God Is to Be Performed During the Day
Chapter 17: How Many Psalms Are to Be Said at These Hours
Chapter 18: In What Order the Psalms Are to Be Said
Chapter 19: On the Manner of Saying the Divine Office
Chapter 20: On Reverence in Prayer
Chapter 21: On the Deans of the Monastery
Chapter 22: How They Are to Sleep
Chapter 23: On Excommunication for Faults
Chapter 24: What the Measure of Excommunication Should Be
Chapter 25: On Weightier Faults
Chapter 26: On Those Who Without an Order Associate With the Excommunicated
Chapter 27: How Solicitous the Abbot Should Be for the Excommunicated
Chapter 28: On Those Who Will Not Amend After Repeated Corrections
Chapter 29: Whether Brothers Who Leave the Monastery Should Be Received Again
Chapter 30: How Boys Are to Be Corrected
Chapter 31: What Kind of Man the Cellarer of the Monastery Should Be
Chapter 32: On the Tools and Property of the Monastery
Chapter 33: Whether Monks Ought to Have Anything of Their Own
Chapter 34: Whether All Should Receive in Equal Measure What Is Necessary
Chapter 35: On the Weekly Servers in the Kitchen
Chapter 36: On the Sick
Chapter 37: On Old Men and Children
Chapter 38: On the Weekly Reader
Chapter 39: On the Measure of Food
Chapter 40: On the Measure of Drink
Chapter 41: At What Hours the Meals Should Be Taken
Chapter 42: That No One Speak After Compline
Chapter 43: On Those Who Come Late to the Work of God or to Table
Chapter 44: How the Excommunicated Are to make Satisfaction
Chapter 45: On Those Who Make Mistakes in the Oratory
Chapter 46: On Those Who Fail in Any Other Matters
Chapter 47: On Giving the Signal for the Time of the Work of God
Chapter 48: On the Daily Manual Labor
Chapter 49: On the Observance of Lent
Chapter 50: On Those Who Are Working Far From the Oratory or Are on a Journey
Chapter 51: On Brethren Who Go Not Very Far Away
Chapter 52: On the Oratory of the Monastery
Chapter 53: On the Reception of Guests
Chapter 54: Whether Monastics Should Receive Letters or Anything Else
Chapter 55: On the Clothes and Shoes of the Brethren
Chapter 56: On the Abbess's Table
Chapter 57: On the Artisans of the Monastery
Chapter 58: On the Manner of Receiving Sisters
Chapter 59: On the Sons of Nobles and of the Poor Who Are Offered
Chapter 60: On Priests Who May Wish to Live in the Monastery
Chapter 61: How Pilgrim Monks Are to Be Received
Chapter 62: On the Priests of the Monastery
Chapter 63: On the Order of the Community
Chapter 64: On Constituting an Abbess
Chapter 65: On the Prior of the Monastery
Chapter 66: On the Porters of the Monastery
Chapter 67: On Brethren Who Are Sent on a Journey
Chapter 68: If a Sister is Commanded to Do Impossible Things
Chapter 69: That the Monks Presume Not to Defend One Another
Chapter 70: That No One Venture to Punish at Random
Chapter 71: That the Brethren Be Obedient to One Another
Chapter 72: On the Good Zeal Which They Ought to Have
Chapter 73: On the Fact That the Full Observance of Justice Is Not Established in This Rule

Overview of the Rule

Chapter 1 defines four kinds of monks: (1) Cenobites, those "in a monastery, where they serve under a rule and an abbot"; (2) Anchorites, or hermits, who, after long successful training in a monastery, are now coping single-handedly, with only God for their help; (3) Sarabaites, living by twos and threes together or even alone, with no experience, rule and superior, and thus a law unto themselves; and (4) Gyrovagues, wandering from one monastery to another, slaves to their own wills and appetites.
Chapter 2 describes the necessary qualifications of an abbot, forbids the abbot to make distinctions between persons in the monastery except for particular merit, and warns him he will be answerable for the salvation of the souls in his care.
Chapter 3 ordains the calling of the brothers to council upon all affairs of importance to the community.
Chapter 4 lists 73 "tools for good work" "tools of the spiritual craft" for the "workshop" that is "the enclosure of the monastery and the stability in the community". These are essentially the duties of every Christian and are mainly Scriptural either in letter or in spirit.
Chapter 5 prescribes prompt, ungrudging, and absolute obedience to the superior in all things lawful, "unhesitating obedience" being called the first degree, or step, of humility.
Chapter 6 recommends moderation in the use of speech, but does not enjoin strict silence, nor prohibit profitable or necessary conversation.
Chapter 7 divides humility into twelve degrees, or steps in the ladder that leads to heaven:(1) Fear God; (2) Substitute one's will to the will of God; (3) Be obedient to one's superior; (4) Be patient amid hardships; (5) Confess one's sins; (6) Accept oneself as a "worthless workman"; (7) Consider oneself "inferior to all"; (8) Follow examples set by superiors; (9) Do not speak until spoken to; (10) Do not laugh; (11) Speak simply and modestly; and (12) Be humble in bodily posture.
Chapters 8-19 regulate the Divine Office, the Godly work to which "nothing is to be preferred", namely the eight canonical hours. Detailed arrangements are made for the number of Psalms, etc., to be recited in winter and summer, on Sundays, weekdays, Holy Days, and at other times.
Chapter 19 emphasizes the reverence owed to the omnipresent God.
Chapter 20 directs that prayer be made with heartfelt compunction rather than many words. It should be prolonged only under the inspiration of divine grace, and in community always kept short and terminated at a sign from the superior.
Chapter 21 regulates the appointment of a Dean over every ten monks.
Chapter 22 regulates the dormitory. Each monk is to have a separate bed and is to sleep in his habit, so as to be ready to rise without delay [for early Vigils]; a light shall burn in the dormitory throughout the night.
Chapters 23-29 specify a graduated scale of punishments for contumacy, disobedience, pride, and other grave faults: first, private admonition; next, public reproof; then separation from the brothers at meals and elsewhere; and finally excommunication (or in the case of those lacking understanding of what this means, corporal punishment instead).
Chapter 30 directs that a wayward brother who has left the monastery must be received again, if he promises to make amends; but if he leaves again, and again, after the third time all return is finally barred.
Chapters 31 and 32 order the appointment of officials to take charge of the goods of the monastery.
Chapter 33 forbids the private possession of anything without the leave of the abbot, who is, however, bound to supply all necessities.
Chapter 34 prescribes a just distribution of such things.
Chapter 35 arranges for the service in the kitchen by all monks in turn.
Chapters 36 and 37 address care of the sick, the old, and the young. They are to have certain dispensations from the strict Rule, chiefly in the matter of food.
Chapter 38 prescribes reading aloud during meals, which duty is to be performed by those who can do so with edification to the rest. Signs are to be used for whatever may be wanted at meals, so that no voice interrupts the reading. The reader eats with the servers after the rest have finished, but he is allowed a little food beforehand in order to lessen the fatigue of reading.
Chapters 39 and 40 regulate the quantity and quality of the food. Two meals a day are allowed, with two cooked dishes at each. Each monk is allowed a pound of bread and a hemina (probably about half a pint) of wine. Meat is prohibited except for the sick and the weak.
Chapter 41 prescribes the hours of the meals, which vary with the time of year.
Chapter 42 enjoins the reading an edifying book in the evening, and orders strict silence after Compline.
Chapters 43-46 define penalties for minor faults, such as coming late to prayer or meals.
Chapter 47 requires the abbot to call the brothers to the "work of God" (Opus Dei) in choir, and to appoint chanters and readers.
Chapter 48 emphasizes the importance of daily manual labour appropriate to the ability of the monk. The hours of labour vary with the season but are never less than five hours a day.
Chapter 49 recommends some voluntary self-denial for Lent, with the abbot's sanction.
Chapters 50 and 51 contain rules for monks working in the fields or travelling. They are directed to join in spirit, as far as possible, with their brothers in the monastery at the regular hours of prayers.
Chapter 52 commands that the oratory be used for purposes of devotion only.
Chapter 53 deals with hospitality. Guests are to be met with due courtesy by the abbot or his deputy; during their stay they are to be under the special protection of an appointed monk; they are not to associate with the rest of the community except by special permission.
Chapter 54 forbids the monks to receive letters or gifts without the abbot's leave.
Chapter 55 says clothing is to be adequate and suited to the climate and locality, at the discretion of the abbot. It must be as plain and cheap as is consistent with due economy. Each monk is to have a change of clothes to allow for washing, and when travelling is to have clothes of better quality. Old clothes are to be given to the poor.
Chapter 56 directs the abbot to eat with the guests.
Chapter 57 enjoins humility on the craftsmen of the monastery, and if their work is for sale, it shall be rather below than above the current trade price.
Chapter 58 lays down rules for the admission of new members, which is not to be made too easy. The postulant first spends a short time as a guest; then he is admitted to the novitiate where his vocation is severely tested; during this time he is always free to leave. If after twelve months' probation he perseveres, he may promise before the whole community stabilitate sua et conversatione morum suorum et oboedientia -- "stability, conversion of manners, and obedience". With this vow he binds himself for life to the monastery of his profession.
Chapter 59 allows the admission of boys to the monastery under certain conditions.
Chapter 60 regulates the position of priests who join the community. They are to set an example of humility, and can only exercise their priestly functions by permission of the abbot.
Chapter 61 provides for the reception of strange monks as guests, and for their admission to the community.
Chapter 62 deals with the ordination of priests from within the monastic community.
Chapter 63 lays down that precedence in the community shall be determined by the date of admission, merit of life, or the appointment of the abbot.
Chapter 64 orders that the abbot be elected by his monks, and that he be chosen for his charity, zeal, and discretion.
Chapter 65 allows the appointment of a provost, or prior, but warns that he is to be entirely subject to the abbot and may be admonished, deposed, or expelled for misconduct.
Chapter 66 appoints a porter, and recommends that each monastery be self-contained and avoid intercourse with the outer world.
Chapter 67 instructs monks how to behave on a journey.
Chapter 68 orders that all cheerfully try to do whatever is commanded, however hard it may seem.
Chapter 69 forbids the monks from defending one another.
Chapter 70 prohibits them from striking one another.
Chapter 71 encourages the brothers to be obedient not only to the abbot and his officials, but also to one another.
Chapter 72 briefly exhorts the monks to zeal and fraternal charity
Chapter 73, an epilogue, declares that the Rule is not offered as an ideal of perfection, but merely as a means towards godliness, intended chiefly for beginners in the spiritual life.

From the Introduction

“The story of The Rule of Saint Benedict is the story of how a small movement within Christianity changed the landscape of the world for everyone. This movement existed before the Rule was written, springing up in the Egyptian deserts during the fourth century. There women and men who longed to know true life in Christ devoted themselves to prayer, intentionally distancing themselves from a society that was in shambles—despite the fact that it was becoming “Christian” in name. Because these men and women devoted themselves to one thing only—to the love of God—these experimenters on the edges of Christendom were called monastics (from the Greek monos, meaning one).

By the end of the fifth century, when a middle-class, young Italian named Benedict left his home in Nursia to go to school in Rome, the Empire that had been centered there was in total disarray. The church whose faith had become the official religion of that Empire was in turmoil. It was in every way a time of transition. In short, it was a moment not unlike our own. Everyone knew that a new future was being born, but no one was sure just what it would look like.

In a moment of clarity, Benedict saw that the system of education that had been designed to prepare him for a world that was passing away could only lead to a dead end. While it could teach him what had worked in the past, the system did not have the resources to present a way forward. A different kind of school was needed. Benedict had a hunch that the Desert Mothers and Fathers were creating it. He went to a cave, built himself a prayer cell, and so matriculated in the “university” of the world-to-come.”

Humility: The Quiet Virtue

2012-08-21T22:40:00.001-06:00

Everett L. Worthington (2007)

Thought-provoking lines in the book:

A scientific understanding of humility...is hampered by the paradox of measuring humility. Asking a respondent to rate how humble he or she is is an exercise in futility. p. ix Tangney argues that, if humility really involves the forgetting of the self, or at least being less self-focused, then the truly humble person might not be attentive to his or her own actual humble qualities....People most value humility within religious seekers. We tend to be least accepting of humility in leaders. Most people want our leaders to have almost saintly humility, but some desire almost arrogance in our leaders. pp. 79-80. Some people might want to appear humble. When answering a questionnaire on humility...the person might try to deceive others. ..The deception could even occur because the person is self-deceived about his or her humility and is acting in line with the distorted self-awareness. ...Tangney concluded that the `bottom line is that the measurement of humility remains an unsolved challenge in psychology.pp. 80-81. Wade Rowatt and his colleagues used the difference between perceptions of self and others as a hidden measure of humility....The degree to which respondents saw themselves as better than others was taken to be a measure of low humility. pp. 83-84. In 2006, Rowatt developed an implicit measure of humility based on how quickly people reacted to words associated with humility and arrogance. That implicit measure was related to narcissism and high self-esteem. A straightforward rating on a `humilimeter`was related to entirely different qualities, like gratitude, forgiveness, and spiritual transcendence. Thus the way observers measure implicit attitudes and the way people describe themselves do not always tell the same story. Perhaps with humility we cannot always follow the dictum of Socrates to know ourselves. Humble people seem to be modest and trustful. They aren't obsessed with themselves, yet have sound self-esteem. p. 85
Humility doesn't shout its characteristics. It is the quiet virtue. We must approach it in reverence. Because it is quiet, we must listen, look, and feel to discern its character. p. x
Being humble...is like trying to catch air in our hands. The faster we close our fingers around it, the faster the air spurts way. The slower that we close our hands, the slower the air spurts away. But if we hold our hands, palms up, arms outstretched then air will come to rest in our hands. To experience humility, then is not to grasp or to strive toward it, but to rest as we seek to bless others. When we are moved from within, a humble spirit can descend upon us like that air resting in the open hand. p. 103
People high in honesty-humility were low in what is called the "dark triad of personality traits. Those traits include psychopathy, which is harming others without guilt, Machiavellianism (manipulation of others), characterized by children who lied to get their friends to eat foul-tasting cookies because they thought they could win a contest, and narcissism. (research of Ashton, Lee et al. 2006 HEXACO model...)
Certainly, good feelings arise when anyone helps another person. yet for the humble person, good feelings and rewards are unsought by-products, not motivations. His or her motivation is seeing needs, feeling positive emotions toward the needy person, and then acting to meet those needs so that the other person experiences less suffering or more happiness and well-being in life. p. 39
Humility is freedom from having to focus on the self....The humble person is unshackled from an inner self-serving drive and is energized by laying his or her own fettering interests aside and making others' interests (while still preserving one's integrity and not being a doormat) worthy of pursuing. pp. 43-44
True humility...meets others' needs. it thus is noticed by others more than by oneself. The humble have reason to boast (at least in the eyes of others) but do not do so. They refrain from boasting not because of suppression of strong internal drives to brag. They do not refrain because they hope that a false modesty will attract attention. Rather, they do not boast because they are secure enough in their identity that building themselves up in the eyes of the world is unimportant. Also, they are busy thinking of others. Their humility is a character trait of seeing themselves in proper perspective against bigger and grander things. One paradox of humility, then, is that others' evaluations count more than one's own self-evaluation in identifying humility. pp. 47-48
Nix narcissism. Narcissism is an exclusive focus on the self...Humility at a bare minimum recognizes that life is not 'all about me.; The focus is appropriately on others - but on others' needs, not other's misdeeds. p. 57
Eliminate entitlement. Entitled people believe that they are superior to others in a way that qualifies them for special treatment. Thus, they are often preoccupied with fairness as they perceive it. When people are both narcissistic and entitled, they perceived themselves to be unique, special, and deserving in ways that other people are not. Thus, entitled narcissists usually blame others for misunderstandings, are easily offended, often feel unappreciated, believe that others owe them and that the debt owed is disproportionately large. They are usually highly motivated to redress perceived injustices through seeking restitution or revenge. They are unwilling to cancel debts or forgive and forget unless the offender pays back virtually all of the debt that is owed (with interest). Even then, forgiveness is expected to be met with effusive gratitude....Humble people tend not to point to others or to themselves when things go wrong. They fix problems, not assign blame. pp. 57-58
Puncture pride. Pride puffs up. ...Pride is a defensive shield to protect a fragile ego....Humility involves modesty and honest self-appraisal. It is not a mere product of poor self-esteem. it is thinking of the other person emphatically and lovingly. pp. 59-61
Equalize egoism with empathy....I cannot become more humble by trying to not focus on myself....What if we think instead about others? p. 63
Secure self-confidence and self-esteem - but not too much....Poor self-esteem is focused intently on the self. It is aimed at self-protection. Paradoxically, high self-esteem can also result in the same behaviors. When people hold themselves in high regard but their self-esteem is fragile, they will decisively stamp out any challenge to their seeming self-confidence. p. 65
Be self-aware, but not too self-aware. (After all, A man wrapped up in himself makes a small bundle.- Benjamin Franklin). p. 66
Be modest. Modesty is the avoidance of attention to oneself. False modesty appears at first blush to be modesty. It is the finger that points ostentatiously to give credit to another person or to God, while the other three fingers - partially obscured by the thumb - point back at ourselves. The purpose of false modesty is to elicit a double recognition. It calls attention to the self for doing or being something wonderful, and though saying 'Aw, shucks,' it calls attention to the self for modesty. p. 69
Practice virtues. Marting Seligman suggests that people can pursue the happy life, which is focused on their own pleasure; the good life, which benefits self and others; or the meaningful life, which gives a noble purpose to self and others....When we look at others who are humble, we usually say that they seem to be living the meaningful ife. pp. 69-70
Cultivate religion or spirituality. Spirituality is one's personal search for the sacred. Religion is that search within a community that holds agreed-upon beliefs, values, and practices. The sacred is something greater than the self. Humble people often feel that they are responding to a calling form beyond themselves. p. 70
Self-consscious emotions (shame and guilt) tend to direct us toward self-protection, which can undermine humility (Tangney). p. 91

Interesting Resources:

Campbell, W. K., Bonacci, A. M., Shelton, J., Exline, J. J., & Bushman, B. J. (2004). Psychological entitlement: Interpersonal consequences and validation of a new self-report measure. Journal of Personality Assessment, 83, 29-45.

Exline, J.J., & Geyer, A.L. (2004). Perceptions of humility: A preliminary study. Self and Identity, 95-114.

Johnson, M. K., Rowatt, W. C., Petrini, L. (2011). A new trait on the market: Honesty-humility as a unique predictor of job performance. Personality and Individual Differences, 50, 857-862.

Morris, J. A., Brotheridge, C. M., & Urbanski, J. (2005). Bringing humility to leadership: Antecedents and consequences of leader humility. Human Relations, 58(10), 1323-1350.

Owens, B. P., Rowatt, W. C., & Wilkins, A. L. (2011). Exploring the relevance and implications of humility in organizations. In K. Cameron and G. Spreitzer (Eds.) The Handbook of Positive Organizational Scholarship. Oxford University Press.

Rowatt, W.C., Ottenbreit, A., Nesselroade, K.P. and Cunningham, P.A. (2002) On being holier-than-thou or humbler-than-thee. J. Scientific Study of Religion, 41, 227-237.

Rowatt, W. C., *Powers, C., *Targhetta, V., *Comer, J., *Kennedy, S., & *LaBouff, J. (2006). Development and initial validation of an implicit measure of humility relative to arrogance. Journal of Positive Psychology, 1, 198-211.

Tangney, J.P. (2000). Humility: Theoretical perspectives, empirical findings and
directions for future research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 19, 70-82.

Some quotations found in the book:

With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity - Keshavan Nair

To become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them. Charles de Montesquieu

Humility is like underwear, essential, but indecent if it shows. Helen Nielsen

Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all. William Temple

Humility leads to strength and not to weakness. It is the highest form of self-respect to admit mistakes and to make amends for them. John (Jay) McCloy

Humility...means freedom from thinking about yourself at all. William Temple

Self-conceit shows a lack of sensibility and maturity. Those who are more reflective and spiritually mature have the sense to attribute whatever gifts they may have to the Creator, the Most High, and devote themselves to him with humble gratitude. - M. Fethulla Gulen

Desire nothing for yourself, either good or bad. Spinoza [For yourself, want only what God wants. Whatever it may be, if it comes from his hand, from God, however bad it may appear in the eyes of men, with God’s help it will appear good, yes very good!, to you. And with an ever—increasing conviction you will say: Et in tribulatione mea dilatasti me... et calix tuus inebrians, quam praeclarus est! — I have rejoiced in tribulation..., how marvellous is your chalice. It inebriates my whole being!]

Humility is a virtue all preach, none practice; and yet everybody is content to hear. John Seldon

To know the humble man, to know how the humble man behaves, you must follow him in the common course of daily life. Andrew Murray

When science discovers the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to find they are not it. - Bernard Baily

True merit is like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes. Edward F. Halifax

Do good by stealth, and blush to find it fame. by Alexander Pope.

Without humility there can be no humanity. John Buchan

There is no limit to what can be accomplished if it doesn't matter who gets the credit.Ralph Waldo Emerson

If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart? ― Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn

At some thoughts one stands perplexed, especially at the sight of men's sin, and wonders whether one should use force or humble love. Always decide to use humble love. If you resolve on that once for all, you may subdue the whole world. Loving humility is marvelously strong, the strongest of all things, and there is nothing else like it. Every day and every hour, every minute, walk round yourself and watch yourself, and see that your image is a seemly one. You pass by a little child, you pass by, spiteful, with ugly words, with wrathful heart; you may not have noticed the child, but he has seen you, and your image, unseemly and ignoble, may remain in his defenseless heart. You don't know it, but you may have sown an evil seed in him and it may grow, and all because you were not careful before the child, because you did not foster in yourself a careful, actively benevolent love. Brothers, love is a teacher; but one must know how to acquire it, for it is hard to acquire, it is dearly bought, it is won slowly by long labor. For we must love not only occasionally, for a moment, but for ever. Every one can love occasionally, even the wicked can. — Fyodor Dostoevsky in The Brothers Karamazov

No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong. Albert Einstein

When science discovers the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to find they are not it. ~Bernard Baily

See the author's article at:

The Paradox of Humility

Most people think of humility as a personal psychological strength. But according to research, humility is not equally valued in all people. People say they most value humility within religious seekers; the same people do not value humility quite as much when it is shown in a close partner or close friend. And studies show that Americans are least accepting of humility in leaders, yet even here they seem divided. Some people surveyed say they want their leaders to have outspoken confidence, bordering on arrogance; others say they prefer for their leaders to have almost saintly humility.

So, is humility a virtue? Well, it depends on who you ask.

At a time when more and more people seem to be motivated by entitlement and narcissism—and even seem to admire those qualities in others—we need an antidote to the social problems that come with isolation and arrogance.

We need humility, but how can we cultivate it? A growing body of research on humility might be able to help us be more humble—but it also suggests that there are limits to what science can tell us about humility.

Scientists distrust a self-report of humility—for good reason. Would you buy a book entitled, How I Achieved Perfect Humility? Ah, there’s the problem. If a man tells you how humble he is, you’d probably take his opinion with a grain of salt. On the other hand, he might be giving a straightforward and honest self-assessment.

Wade Rowatt and his fellow researchers at Baylor University took a different approach in their study of humility. The researchers compared people’s perceptions of themselves with their perceptions of others, assuming most people would show a self-serving bias. Rowatt’s study participants, students at Baylor (a Baptist university), estimated the degree to which they, and others, followed the Ten Commandments. Most students believed they followed the commandments better than did other Baylor students. But the less they saw themselves as better than others, the higher their humility rating on Rowatt’s scale.

But were they necessarily more humble? Maybe some people actually did follow the commandments better than others, seeming to indicate low humility when they were really just accurately reporting their behavior. Again, we see how hard it is to identify humility.

Perhaps humility most often shows up as unselfish service on behalf of others. The former Archbishop of Canterbury William Temple once said, “Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all.” Perhaps true humility involves an absence of arrogance, pride, and narcissistic entitlement. It incorporates honesty with self and sensitive honesty with others (not presuming to give others unwanted or unhelpful—though honest—feedback). As a virtue it can accomplish great things, for individuals and society as a whole.

Humility is a virtue that can be difficult to describe because of its paradoxical nature: claiming authority about humility and claiming that one is humble both suggest a lack of humility. InHumility, Everett L.Worthington Jr. seeks a way around this paradox by looking to people who are considered by others to be humble. He suggests people as examples: Jesus, Siddhartha, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King Jr. He looks, too, at people whom he admires. He examines the characteristics of humility they share, and, in doing so, formulates a working understanding of humility.

Science has made few attempts to measure humility,Worthington points out, but those few studies do give a different, but complementary, perspective on humility than the wisdom of the ages. Humility may not be a skill we can learn, but people can be inspired to be humble. "Great people—and ordinary people acting nobly—can inspire us," Worthington writes. "When we catch the spirit, we can transfer that spirit from ourselves to others." Quotations interspersed throughout the book reinforce the message that the unassuming virtue of humility transforms lives.

"Of some thoughts one stands perplexed—especially at the sign of men's sin—and wonders whether one should use force or humble love. Always decide to use humble love. If you resolve on that, once and for all, you may subdue the whole world. Loving humility is marvelously strong, and strongest of all things, and there is nothing else like it. "—Fyodor Dostoyevsky